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M Simone Boyd

Confession and Submission

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Image | MichaelHindes.org

I have a confession to make. I fell short on my commitment to you this week, and I didn’t interview any christian, black, men. I know. I know. It is the third week of the Guide to a Black Man’s Heart series and my goal was to interview at least two people. But I didn’t, and I have no excuses. Please forgive me.

The good news is that my friend, KR, sent me an interesting video that I want to share and discuss with you, and it is a tough topic – submission. Candace Cameron Bure, D.J. from Full House, has a new book entitled Balancing It All. I haven’t read the book yet, but there seems to be some controversy over her discussion of submission.

Submission

Submission seems like such a dirty word. It just makes me think weak and sniveling! I mean it is 2014, aren’t we supposed to be strong, assertive, running things, and Leaning In? But, alas, Ephesians 5 spills A LOT of ink on the this very topic. It says things like:

  • Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as unto the Lord
  • Wives, should submit to their husbands in everything
  • The husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church
In my head, I’m thinking: Lord, would you puleeeze gimme a break? And, He does. Because Ephesians continues that:
  • Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church
  • Husbands, ought to love their wives as their own bodies
  • He who loves his wife, loves himself

(continue self-talk) Yes, Lord! That’s more like it. You tell ’em. It is comforting for me to know that our part is to submit, but our husbands have to love us wildly and unconditionally. Afterall, that’s what Jesus does.D.J. Candace Cameron Bure gives a sublime definition of submission. Please take three minutes and watch the video of her discussing submission with the Huffington Post.

So what do you think about this whole submission thing? Is it necessary to make a marriage successful? 

The Problem with Being Too Independent

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In the fall of 2000, Destiny’s Child debuted their third hit single: Independent Women. It was a rallying cry for women to be 50/50 in relationships, depend on themselves, and that you only needed a man when you were lonely (and even then he was dismissible).

I can remember thinking. That’s right, Beyonce! Sing it, girl (insert fist pumping).

But 14 years later, being married, and two months into interviewing christian, black, men…I can see how the mindset of independence can be damaging to healthy relationships.

 

Independence is a barrier to healthy relationships

Two of the guys I talked to this week explained that independence and control are barriers that keep us from being in healthy relationships. Independence allows us to protect ourselves if something goes wrong. We’ll be okay if a man leaves us, or if he messes up, because we didn’t really need him in the first place. So, we metaphorically keep our bags packed and are always ready to make a quick exit.  Another guy explained that when we convince ourselves we don’t need a man, it affects how we treat them.

Independence is about protection

In her book, The Surrendered Single, Laura Doyle explains that women often protect themselves from disappointment and vulnerability by flaunting their independence. She says that strength is attractive, but hard-nosed independence sends a “get away” message. Women have another side that is soft and vulnerable. That is what men are drawn to. For instance, when you let a man treat you to dinner or help you with your luggage. You give him the opportunity to demonstrate his generosity. This makes him feel proud and happy. If you dismiss his offers in the name of independence, you reject him. 

God created men to be rescuers.

In his book, Wild at Heart, John Eldredge explains that the very essence of the way that God created man is to rescue a beauty. From the ancient fables to the latest blockbuster, the theme of a strong man coming to rescue a beautiful woman is universal to human nature. It is written in our hearts, one of the core desires of every man and woman. Moses came to the aid of Zipporah and her sisters at the well.  Boaz came to the aid of Ruth and Naomi. And, Joseph saved Mary from being stoned because of the immaculate conception.

So, the next time a man wants to come to your rescue, buy you dinner, or help you stuff your oversized carry-on in the overhead bin…resist the desire to assert your independence and allow him to be the man that God has created him to be.

What Can Steve Urkel Teach Us About Relationships?

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Steve Urkel loved Laura Winslow. But, Steve was a complete dork, dressed like a nerd, and was accident prone. And, Laura could not see past Steve’s exterior…to see his good qualities.

If you were Laura Winslow, would you have been able to look past Steve Urkel’s less than picture perfect exterior? Or do you have to be attracted to a man at first glance? And, is there a particular type of man you have sketched out in your mind’s eye?

Are you overlooking the man of your dreams? 

It is possible that the man of your dreams is right under your nose, but you are overlooking him because of preconceived notions.

Over the next six weeks, I’ll be discussing what it takes to build a strong relationship. I’ve been interviewing Christian, black, men to learn their perspectives on relationships. One of the guys mentioned that we live in an Instagram world. He feels like women only want to date men that look a certain way, have a certain job, or drive a certain car. Because women want to look good on Facebook and Instagram. And, that struck me…is that true, are we really that shallow?

Steve Urkel Can Teach Us Some Things…

I’m not sure. But, it got me to thinking about Laura and Steve. If you have a Steve in you life that you are not giving the time of day. Wake up! You might just have Prince Charming under your nose.

Steve Urkel teaches us:

  • Not to judge a book by its cover in relationships.
  • A man can change himself, but we can’t change him. (Nor should we try.)
  • Don’t let disappointments make you bitter.

Disappointments shouldn’t make us bitter…

Steve was loyal. He professed his undying love and affection for Laura for four straight seasons, without any hope that his love would ever be reciprocated. But in season five, he morphed into Stefan Urquell. Steve changed himself, because he loved Laura. And he was willing to change in order to win her heart. But, the most important lesson we can learn from Steve is not to allow disappointments to make us bitter. Even when he became Stefan Urquell, he still was completely and totally in love with Laura.

*Action Item*

So, when you head out into the world today…be open to the possibilities. Don’t let past disappointments deter you. Remember, love comes in all shapes and sizes, and for heaven’s sake, don’t try to change him.