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M Simone Boyd

The Power of Letting Go

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I love the song, Let it Go. I love the message. And, I love the reminder it gives me: there is power in letting go. This song is from the movie, Frozen. A movie about two sisters with a strained relationship. One sister hurts the other, and drama ensues.

We all have been wounded.  We all have been hurt. And, generally those hurts are inflicted by those closest to us. But, continuing to hold onto hurt and offense is crippling.


 The Burden of Offense
Pastor Wesley talked about learning to live above offense a few weeks ago at church. He said that:

  • Satan seeks to burdens us with offenses.
  • We must reject retaliation and refuse to get even.
  • We must be open to reconciliation.

The message stuck with me, because offense is the enemy of strong relationships, marriages, and families.

 Offense Hurts You and Your Relationship with God
John Bevere in his book, The Bait of Satan, talks about offense. He says that offense imprisons us, severs relationships, and hinders our relationship with God. Because an offended Christian is one that takes in life, but because of fear cannot release life. ( Please read his book. If you apply the principles, it will change your walk with the Lord and your relationships).
Image| glorialockhart.com

Forgiveness is the key to letting go.

Make a Decision 

We must make a decision to forgive. There is a common misperception that we must feel “ready” to forgive. It’s wrong. Forgiveness starts with a decision. We make the decision and act on it.

Do you remember the parable of the talents?

In Matthew, a servant owed his master approximately $4.5 billion dollars. However, the master was kind and generous and forgave the debt. He probably felt like he could use the money, but he made a decision to forgive. The servant, on the other hand, was owed approximately $4,000 and made a decision not to forgive the debt. The master was enraged and turned the unforgiving servant over to the torturers.

The same principle applies to us. If we don’t forgive others of their offenses, we won’t be forgiven of ours. Once you let go and forgive, you have the power to move forward in freedom. So, let’s let go.


Question: How will your relationships improve when you let go?

 

Dating Outside the Box

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Image | cltc.com

When Morris and I first began dating, our relationship almost came to a screeching halt. Because, I had a checklist and he was “missing” an item.

My list included that he must 1) love Jesus 2) be tall and 3) volunteer.

It was important that my potential husband volunteer. Because, I had to be certain that he cared for others.

So, I tested Morris one day.

We were at Screen on the Green with some friends on the National Mall, and I asked him if he would like to go volunteer with me at a homeless shelter. 

He said “No, homeless shelters aren’t really my thing”

“WHAT?!” I says to myself. “Not, your thing?! Clearly, I can’t marry someone that doesn’t want to volunteer at a homeless shelter. He obviously has no heart and would not be a suitable match.” In my mind, my checklist kept me from wasting time on unsuitable matches.

I Was Wrong. 
Fast forward 4 years…Morris, now my husband, volunteers with the homeless ministry at our church. And, spends at least some time every weekend volunteering. He later told me that he finds homeless shelters depressing, but otherwise he is very much for volunteering. Clearly, my initial snap judgement was wrong. What if I had ruled him out because of that one response? I would likely be lonely.

Dating Outside the Box

The box is the list or mental checklist that we keep in our heads. It says what our perfect potential mate should look like. Maybe your dream man is tall, looks like +Idris Elba , and has the personality and bank account of +Steve Harvey . In reality, the checklist is a suit of armor.

Why We Create the Box
Laura Doyle in her book , The Surrendered Single, says that the checklist is about fear. She says that by holding on to qualities we want in a man, we are setting ourselves up for unrealistic expectations. As long as the checklist is never met, we don’t have to risk our hearts and we don’t have to be vulnerable.

I also think we set up checklists to impress people in our social circles. In our minds, we’ve set up what our families, friends, and colleagues will find acceptable and we arbitrarily rule out men that fall outside those parameters.

The Problems with the Box:

  • You rule out a lot of good men.
  • The man that is right for you, might be different than you imagined.
  • It leaves little room for input from the Lord.

Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have standards. You should. But, your standards should be reflective of his character, not his resume.

God Knows What We Need, We Don’t. 

I am an extrovert, impatient, get fussy when things don’t go my way, and am woefully lacking in the mercy department. So, God gave me a husband that is long suffering, patient, and gives EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt. If you are anything like me, you probably have not identified all of your character defects. But, God knows what you need in a man…even if you don’t.

You Might Miss Out on a Good Thing.
In short, good men come in all shapes and sizes and God knows what you need.  Don’t limit yourself to dating inside the box, because you could miss out on a good thing just like I almost did.

Question: Do you have a dating checklist or box? If so, what will you do to let it go?

 

The Death of Decency

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Image | BET Networks

Last week the television series, Being Mary Jane, concluded its 8-week run on BET. The show followed the life of Mary Jane Paul, a successful news anchor that has a tumultuous family and love life. She dates and pursues a relationship with a married man.

The troubling fact is, that in an effort to promote the show, BET urged women to take to social media and explain why they are Mary Jane. Thousands of women responded for the chance to be featured on a commercial break. And it made me wonder, why is there a constant stream of indecency nowadays?



Media Rewards Indecency
Say you are Mary Jane, and we’ll give you a commercial. Beyonce bares her backside on the Grammy’s, and her album sales skyrocket. Miley Cyrus shakes her fanny, and she is rewarded with millions of YouTube views. And, the Boston Marathon bomber is featured on the cover of Rolling Stone. The message we send is do something harmful, indecent, or reckless, and everyone will pay attention.
Hurt People, Hurt people
Only a hurting person would purposefully wreak havoc on someone else’s marriage. Perhaps Mary Jane is lonely. Perhaps she is scared she will wind up alone. Either way she is hurting and she is determined to ensure that others hurt.  Mary Jane may intend to head toward “happily ever after”, but her direction is headed toward heartache and heart break.

The Principle of the Path
In his book, the Principle of the Path,  Andy Stanley says that direction-not intention-determines our destination.  If I get in my car and drive toward I-95 South headed toward Richmond. My destination is ultimately, Richmond. It doesn’t matter that I intended to go I-95 North to Baltimore and visit the aquarium. The same is true in life.

If your actions and decisions are headed in the direction of heartache and heartbreak, that will be your ultimate destination.

People Need Truth
The Mary Janes of the world need people that will tell them the truth, reach out, and pray with them and for them. Indecency thrives when we sit by, shake our heads, and do nothing.

We Are in a Battle
The death of decency is simply a symptom of a deeper problem. John 10:10 says that the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. But, I came that you might have life and it more abundantly. The death of decency is all a part of the enemy’s plan, and it is played out every single day when a husband is stolen, a family is destroyed, or an innocent is life taken.

But, Christ came that we might have life and it more abundantly. Pĕrissŏs is the Greek word for abundantly, and it means superabundant, beyond, superior, excessive, and superfluous. And, that’s the life Christ wants for me, you, and even the Mary Janes of the world.

Question: What factors do you think are contributing to the death of decency? How can we fight those factors? 

Love Is Not Enough

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Image | Telegraph

Women need love. Men need respect. 
Love alone is not enough for a happy relationship. In Ephesians, Paul says “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” This is not a suggestion it is a must.

You may say “Simone, I am not married. So, this does not apply to me.” But, it does!

I’m learning through my interviews that being respectful is attractive. Being disrespectful is unattractive. For example, a girl my husband once dated told him that he wouldn’t be a good father, because he spent too much time working and studying for graduate school. He dumped that girl.

Respecting Men Will Help You Attract Men
If you are respectful, you will attract men. One of the guys I interviewed said that respect is critical, because he needs to know that someone values his ideas, respects his opinions, and that he has support.

Black men, especially, need our support. People are simply not lining up to tell them that they are loved and adored. Let us not forget that +Richard Sherman is a thug, despite being a Stanford graduate and Justin Bieber is our misguided youth, despite drag racing, drug possession, and egg throwing.

The Crazy Cycle

Image| Love & Respect

In his book, Love & Respect, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs says that when a man feels disrespected, he may react in ways that feel unloving. When a wife feels unloved, she may reacts in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband.

Dr. Eggerichs tells the story of his parent’s marriage. Mrs. Eggerichs made a good income, and it enabled her to live without Mr. Eggerichs resources. Mrs. Eggerichs sent her husband the message that she could get along without him, by making financial decisions without consulting him. Mr. Eggerichs felt insignificant, offended, and hurt. And, often responded in an angry manner which left his wife feeling unloved.

Respect Research:
+Shaunti Feldhahn interviewed more than one thousand men for her book For Women Only. Chapter 2 is dedicated to her findings regarding love and respect. She says that women can show respect by:

  • Respecting his judgment. A man deeply needs to know that the woman in his life respects his knowledge, opinions, and decisions.
  • Respecting his abilities. Men like to figure things out. The problem is we want to help them, and this translates into distrust.
  • Respect in public. Dozens of men told Ms. Feldhan that it was painful when their wives criticized them in public. But, the opposite is true too. If you praise him in public, he will feel adored.

How to Show Respect:

  • Refuse to engage in conversations that degrade men. When your girlfriend says “Girl, you know men don’t know nothing about (insert topic). Do not agree. We believe the things we hear ourselves say. If we believe men are good for nothing, we will treat them as such.
  • Admire men. It will improve the way you treat them. Men are attracted to women that admire them. Not in the sense that we, oogle or objectify them. But, that we appreciative their gifts, talents, and strengths.  Don’t you like it when someone admires you?
  • Compliment Men. If you are married, publicly praise your husband. If you are single, compliment the next five guys you see that are attractive. My friend recently began telling men that she thinks are attractive that they are, and in return she is attracting and being pursued more.
  • Question: How do you show respect to your spouse? If you are single, how will you practice respecting the men in your life?

 

Happy Wife, Happy Life

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Image | Hanna-Barbara

A few months ago, I was going through a rough patch at work. I was quite miserable, because things just weren’t going my way. And almost every day I would come home, sit in the closet, and cry. (We live in a studio apartment. So, there is little space for privacy).

Morris was supportive and comforting at first, but after about three months. He turns to me and says “Simone, I just want you to be happy.”

And, I says to myself “I am happy”.

Well…I’m happy with everything else in my life, except work. The problem is work and constantly thinking about it had consumed all of my mind space & soured my attitude. I was no longer the happy wife that Morris married.

His words stuck with me, and I made a decision to be happy again.

Make a Decision to Be Happy

I learned about making a decision to be happy during pre-marital counseling. Our counselor explained that for the first few years of his marriage he spent a long time trying to make his wife happy. Eventually, he moved out and they almost got a divorce! But, he realized that it was her decision to be happy, and it didn’t have anything to do with him. They reconciled, and have now been happily married for 14  years.

 

Views from Men on Relationship Happiness

When I am interviewing christian, black, men about their views on relationships. I also ask them about the importance of a woman’s happiness. All have said it was important, but for varying reasons. Here’s a few comments from the fellows on happiness in a relationship:

  • Women are good communicators. So, if they are not happy they will communicate it well.
  • Hurt people, hurt people. And, if a woman is perpetually unhappy she will hurt me and my family. It is a never ending cycle.
  • I want to be around someone that is happy, but I can’t be responsible for their happiness.
  • A woman’s happiness is important, but she can’t make it difficult for me to make her happy. If a man can’t make you happy, it is discouraging to him, and damaging to the relationship.

 

Have Your Own Life

Laura Doyle in her book “The Surrendered Single” talks about making yourself happy every day. She says that the more you enjoy your life, the more attractive you will be. I agree, because no one wants to be with a Debbie Downer.

She also recommends that women maintain their own lives when in relationships, because no one person can meet all of our emotional needs. Laura adds that casting aside friends and hobbies that you once enjoyed in favor of total immersion with a man could make you cranky, co-dependent and miserable. We must keep ourselves happy and balanced. This factor is paramount to a successful relationship, because no great love was ever founded upon a woman giving up everything she loves and enjoys.

For more tips on being happy visit +Rosetta Thurman over at Happy Black Woman…she is a wealth of wisdom on gaining and maintaining happiness.

Confession and Submission

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Image | MichaelHindes.org

I have a confession to make. I fell short on my commitment to you this week, and I didn’t interview any christian, black, men. I know. I know. It is the third week of the Guide to a Black Man’s Heart series and my goal was to interview at least two people. But I didn’t, and I have no excuses. Please forgive me.

The good news is that my friend, KR, sent me an interesting video that I want to share and discuss with you, and it is a tough topic – submission. Candace Cameron Bure, D.J. from Full House, has a new book entitled Balancing It All. I haven’t read the book yet, but there seems to be some controversy over her discussion of submission.

Submission

Submission seems like such a dirty word. It just makes me think weak and sniveling! I mean it is 2014, aren’t we supposed to be strong, assertive, running things, and Leaning In? But, alas, Ephesians 5 spills A LOT of ink on the this very topic. It says things like:

  • Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as unto the Lord
  • Wives, should submit to their husbands in everything
  • The husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church
In my head, I’m thinking: Lord, would you puleeeze gimme a break? And, He does. Because Ephesians continues that:
  • Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church
  • Husbands, ought to love their wives as their own bodies
  • He who loves his wife, loves himself

(continue self-talk) Yes, Lord! That’s more like it. You tell ’em. It is comforting for me to know that our part is to submit, but our husbands have to love us wildly and unconditionally. Afterall, that’s what Jesus does.D.J. Candace Cameron Bure gives a sublime definition of submission. Please take three minutes and watch the video of her discussing submission with the Huffington Post.

So what do you think about this whole submission thing? Is it necessary to make a marriage successful? 

The Problem with Being Too Independent

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In the fall of 2000, Destiny’s Child debuted their third hit single: Independent Women. It was a rallying cry for women to be 50/50 in relationships, depend on themselves, and that you only needed a man when you were lonely (and even then he was dismissible).

I can remember thinking. That’s right, Beyonce! Sing it, girl (insert fist pumping).

But 14 years later, being married, and two months into interviewing christian, black, men…I can see how the mindset of independence can be damaging to healthy relationships.

 

Independence is a barrier to healthy relationships

Two of the guys I talked to this week explained that independence and control are barriers that keep us from being in healthy relationships. Independence allows us to protect ourselves if something goes wrong. We’ll be okay if a man leaves us, or if he messes up, because we didn’t really need him in the first place. So, we metaphorically keep our bags packed and are always ready to make a quick exit.  Another guy explained that when we convince ourselves we don’t need a man, it affects how we treat them.

Independence is about protection

In her book, The Surrendered Single, Laura Doyle explains that women often protect themselves from disappointment and vulnerability by flaunting their independence. She says that strength is attractive, but hard-nosed independence sends a “get away” message. Women have another side that is soft and vulnerable. That is what men are drawn to. For instance, when you let a man treat you to dinner or help you with your luggage. You give him the opportunity to demonstrate his generosity. This makes him feel proud and happy. If you dismiss his offers in the name of independence, you reject him. 

God created men to be rescuers.

In his book, Wild at Heart, John Eldredge explains that the very essence of the way that God created man is to rescue a beauty. From the ancient fables to the latest blockbuster, the theme of a strong man coming to rescue a beautiful woman is universal to human nature. It is written in our hearts, one of the core desires of every man and woman. Moses came to the aid of Zipporah and her sisters at the well.  Boaz came to the aid of Ruth and Naomi. And, Joseph saved Mary from being stoned because of the immaculate conception.

So, the next time a man wants to come to your rescue, buy you dinner, or help you stuff your oversized carry-on in the overhead bin…resist the desire to assert your independence and allow him to be the man that God has created him to be.

What Can Steve Urkel Teach Us About Relationships?

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Steve Urkel loved Laura Winslow. But, Steve was a complete dork, dressed like a nerd, and was accident prone. And, Laura could not see past Steve’s exterior…to see his good qualities.

If you were Laura Winslow, would you have been able to look past Steve Urkel’s less than picture perfect exterior? Or do you have to be attracted to a man at first glance? And, is there a particular type of man you have sketched out in your mind’s eye?

Are you overlooking the man of your dreams? 

It is possible that the man of your dreams is right under your nose, but you are overlooking him because of preconceived notions.

Over the next six weeks, I’ll be discussing what it takes to build a strong relationship. I’ve been interviewing Christian, black, men to learn their perspectives on relationships. One of the guys mentioned that we live in an Instagram world. He feels like women only want to date men that look a certain way, have a certain job, or drive a certain car. Because women want to look good on Facebook and Instagram. And, that struck me…is that true, are we really that shallow?

Steve Urkel Can Teach Us Some Things…

I’m not sure. But, it got me to thinking about Laura and Steve. If you have a Steve in you life that you are not giving the time of day. Wake up! You might just have Prince Charming under your nose.

Steve Urkel teaches us:

  • Not to judge a book by its cover in relationships.
  • A man can change himself, but we can’t change him. (Nor should we try.)
  • Don’t let disappointments make you bitter.

Disappointments shouldn’t make us bitter…

Steve was loyal. He professed his undying love and affection for Laura for four straight seasons, without any hope that his love would ever be reciprocated. But in season five, he morphed into Stefan Urquell. Steve changed himself, because he loved Laura. And he was willing to change in order to win her heart. But, the most important lesson we can learn from Steve is not to allow disappointments to make us bitter. Even when he became Stefan Urquell, he still was completely and totally in love with Laura.

*Action Item*

So, when you head out into the world today…be open to the possibilities. Don’t let past disappointments deter you. Remember, love comes in all shapes and sizes, and for heaven’s sake, don’t try to change him.

 

What Does Goal-Setting Have to do with Relationships?

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As we approach the closing of 2013 and the opening of 2014, you may be thinking about setting goals for the upcoming year. But, I wanted to ask you…do you include goals for your ships?

I know. I know. You are saying “what on earth is a ship?”
Ships are your relationships, courtships, and friendships.

2013 is the first year that I included goals for my ships. And, I feel like God did some amazing things as a result of being intentional.

My 2013 Goals

My SHIP Goals and Why I Choose Them

I set a goal of completing a Bible Study with Morris and playing a sport with him. I wanted to do a Bible Study with Morris, because it’s important for us to continue growing in our faith together. We studied the 12 Traits of the Greats this summer and we still refer back to those lessons. I wanted to play a sport with Morris, because he likes them. I am not a huge fan of baseball, but I am a huge fan of Morris. So, we headed out to the park a couple of times to play catch. I think my wife stock rose as a result:-).

Third, I made a commitment to write two letters a week to friends and family, because I want to be a better steward of the relationships God has given me. So, often time marches on and it has been months since I’ve spoken to someone I love or care about. And, that makes me sad. So, I made it a point to write letters twice a week and to call or text friends just to say “hi” or “I was thinking about you”.

For more tips on goal-setting visit Michael Hyatt, former CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishing, over at his blog. He has written a great blog post on writing goals that are S.M.A.R.T. (Specific, Measurable, Actionable, Realistic and Time-Bound). I sat down and re-read it today while preparing to write my goals for 2014, and I wanted to share it with you. Just think about things and activities that are important to the people in your ships.  If you include your ships in your goal-setting for 2014, I promise you will have measurable returns.

Question: Have you set goals for your ships before? If so, how did it go? If not, will you set them in 2014?

Headed Home for the Holidays? Here’s 4 Tips to Make the Most of Your Time

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Millions of folks travel home for the holidays. But soon after they arrive, some wish that they had not made that trek to be with their family. Being around your family is a mixed bag, because they know what makes you happy…but they also know how to tap dance on your last nerve.

Here’s a few of the tips that I use when I head home, and I wanted to share them with you.

Spend Time with Each Person, Individually: Sometimes, I fall into the trap of feeling like I’ve connected with everyone, because we are in the same room together. But, that’s a false notion.

You are an individual. I am an individual. And, we both have different dreams and hopes for the future. So, make it a point to catch up with each person. And, be willing to meet people on their turf. By that I mean, if your sister likes underwater basket weaving…take your swimsuit and be prepared to learn how to weave!

Give Your Opinion Only When Asked: A lot of unnecessary squabbles can erupt when we intend to “help” people by giving our unsolicited opinion.  Don’t fall for it!

 

Image: Carrie’s Corner

 

Put Away the Phone: Chances are that you  have your phone with you 24/7, but you probably don’t have that much face to face time with your parents/aunts/uncles/nieces/nephews/cousins and/or grandparents. Live in the moment and be present. I leave my phone in my luggage while visiting my family, because I want them to have my full attention.

Focus on Fun: Make an effort to have fun together and create great memories. Whether it’s playing Taboo, or Cranium, or acting out a play…do a fun activity that includes everyone in your family. This will bring the family together, and you should have a few good laughs as a result. Three years ago my family and I made up a silly dance and recorded it. I tried to share it with you, but the file is too large for Blogger (insert sad face).

I’m headed to Texas next week to spend time with my husband’s family. And, we have a traditional Nicaraguan activity planned…making nacatamales. I am excited to learn more about their family’s holiday traditions, and spend time with them. I’ll share photos with you when I return.

I hope these tips help you make the most of your time with your family. By the way, do you have any Christmas family traditions? If so, I’d love to hear about them. I was reading an article on WebMD about the habits of happy families and traditions was key. So, I am looking to learn!

Thank you for stopping by to visit and Merry Christmas. Love, Simone

Image: Klove.com