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M Simone Boyd

How Ghanaians Changed My Views on Africa, Families, and Marriage

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“Are you Nigerian?” That’s what my friend, KB, said to me when we first met a few years ago. KB is Ghanaian-American and the child of immigrants. She thought I was Nigerian, because of my large family.

I don’t remember what I said to her, but I remember thinking.
“No! I’m from Nashville, but my family is from Texas.”

Before that day, I had never considered where my ancestors hailed from. But, I knew that I did not want them to be from Africa. Growing up, I can remember thinking how awful it would be to be from Africa. I blame Feed the Children for this notion.

Don’t get me wrong, Feed the Children does amazing work.  But, their marketing campaigns impacted me in a negative way. To this day, I can picture images of malnutritioned African children and their almost naked bodies. Seeing those children shaped my negative notion of Africa, and I can remember thinking thank goodness…I’m from Nashville!

africa flags
Image from solarpumpsafrica.com

But, then a few years ago I celebrated New Year’s Eve with KB at her church. I walked into the sanctuary. And, I remember being surrounded by the flags from all the African countries displayed around the sanctuary. The congregants are primarily West African families, and attending that service was a life-changing experience.

In one night, my views on Africa and my thoughts on black families changed literally overnight.

Africa is not a Country

Prior to that night, I thought of Africa as one distinct homogeneous place, and not a continent of 55 countries*, thousands of languages, and a number of cultural nuances. Take Togo, for instance. Another friend was on her way to Mozambique, and lost her luggage in Togo. Locals kept telling her not to worry, because the Togolese are known for their honesty and her bag would be returned. Sure enough, a few days later her luggage was returned.

Black Marriages Still Work

Martin and Coretta
Image from blackmarriedtricities.org

Prior to that night, I also wasn’t sure if black marriages worked anymore.  The only black married couples that I knew where my parents, and my best friend’s parents. But, both those couples were close to their sixties, and I was in complete despair.

But, that night after the service my friend invited me to have New Year’s breakfast with her and some friends. And, I found myself surrounded by 4 or 5 young married couples that looked like me. All the couples were in their twenties and shared this bond that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

They were talking about courting traditions, and marrying traditions, and traditions for new babies in the community. And, they all had this common thread. There was no drama, and everyone was just sitting there talking and laughing.

And, I soaked up every minute. Because I had NEVER been in this environment before.
I was surrounded by young and married black families, and I loved every minute of it.

Ghanaian Family Traditions

It took me a while to digest everything, but I’ve been talking to my friend about Ghanaian culture and tradition on and off ever since. And, the more I learn…the more I love Ghanaians. Did you know there are very few single-parent homes in the Ghanaian community?

Yes, it’s true. It almost never happens, because if something happens to the husband. Then the brother or the closest male relative cares for that family as if it were his own.

And, very few children are born out of wedlock. Because, when a man expresses interest in a woman. He expresses interest in joining that family. The process is called the knocking, and it is a ceremonious occasion that involves an entire family. There is no going off alone to neck and play footsie, because the young man expresses his interest in the family first and lets the family know that he is a man of integrity. Then, he is given permission to pursue a relationship with the daughter.

Simone, Me, and KB

Here in D.C.,  I have the gift of coming in contact with many more people and families that recently immigrated to the United States and people that have studied and visited Africa. My friend, Simone, lives in Benin and trains teachers. You can read more about her work here.

I plan to visit Simone and Benin next year, and I can’t wait to see the beauty that is not often publicized in Africa. I’ll share pics when I return.

Breathtaking Kenya and Zambia

Another one of my friends visited Kenya and Zambia. She came back with great stories of going on safari, a gourmet breakfast in the wild, and seeing Blair Underwood and his family. Aren’t her photographs are breathtaking?

Victoria Falls in Zambia


Where Do I Come From?

I’m proud to be an American, but I long to know so much more about my African heritage and where I come from. One of the things that I love about Morris is that his mother’s side of the family can trace back 7 generations to the village that they lived in Nicaragua. What a gift to know where you come from?

I think that’s one of the many missing links for our families today. There is no pride or heritage or traditions in sharing where we come from. Where do we come from?!?

One of my goals in 2014 will include tracing my blood line to a specific country and visiting Africa. I’m not sure if I am Kenyan, Ghanaian or Nigerian, but if I am…I am proud of it.
____________________________________________________________________

*According to Africacheck.org, the number ranges from 54-56 countries depending on whether or not you include Morocco and Somaliland.

5 Steps to Being a Better Sister

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Last week, my sister, Michaela, and I were driving to the store together, and there was a 15-minute period of  dead silence that really bothered me.

Perhaps it shouldn’t have, but it did.

I mean, Michaela, is a junior in college and I thought she would want to tell me about all her boy problems, and professor problems, and life in general. But, she really didn’t tell me anything. And, no matter how many questions I asked…they were all met with one word answers. She wasn’t being mean. We just didn’t have anything to talk about. But, shouldn’t sisters always have something to talk about?

Or maybe I was to blame because I hadn’t really been talking to her either. Except for the “do this, do that, and don’t forget this.”

It also bothered me that my brother, Issachar, has 450 followers on Instagram.  It bothers me, because he is 15 and gentle and kind. And, I want him to stay that way forever.

And, it worries me that some sleazy person on the Internet could change the course of his life. I’ve seen Dateline To Catch a Predator and I know what’s out there! Even though, he lives at home, he has the world at his fingertips in the form of a Samsung Tablet. And, that scares me.

Me and Issachar

 

I worry that Issachar will end up like Miley Cyrus. You know, one day she was a sweet, innocent kid from Tennessee, and the next day she was broadcasting her fanny across the globe.

Although, I worry about Michaela and Issachar…the only thing I really have control over is my relationship with them. As a sister, I just want everything to be right with my siblings. But, I’m beginning to realize that I can not protect them from the world. I can only give suggestions, share my experience, and hope that they avoid life’s hardships.

I’ve spent the last few days soul searching on how to be a better sister to my siblings. And, I asked my siblings to send me one thing I do well as a sister and one thing that bothers them. It came up that I am judgmental/critical/not supportive.

My first thought was ” I am NOT judgemental. I just want people to do what’s right.”

Oh, wait.
Perhaps, I  AM judgemental.  (insert sigh) I’ll work on that.

After a lot of reflection, here are five steps that I think will help us be better sisters.

 

  1. ASKAsk your siblings how you can improve on being a sister.

In business, there is something called a peer review or 360 degree feedback. It gives employees a chance to seek feedback from their peers. It’s a good way, to eliminate blind spots, improve relationships, and establish trust. I think the same can be done for families. Who knows you better than your siblings?!

 

  1. LISTEN Listen, process, and hear what your sibling has to say.
    Resist the temptation to defend yourself.  There is simply nothing worse than someone asking you for feedback and then beating you down once you are honest. Be prepared to hear things that may be hurtful, but will improve your relationship in the long run.

 

  1. HONOR Honor you siblings gifts, talents, and abilities.
    You aren’t the only one with good sense. You were both created in God’s image and you should recognize that. I heard Pastor Kevin Gerald talk about Honor a few years ago, and it changed my life. He says that honor elevates everything, and we can’t go to the next level in our business, relationships, or families until we learn to honor. Pastor Gerald says that we must honor first, with no strings attached, in agreement and disagreement, and freely. From then on, I’ve made a concerted effort to honor people.

The world will be a better place if we honor each other. Let’s start with our families.

 

  1. CHANGE Do everything in your power to change immediately.
    If you are told that you are late. Be early. If you are told that you talk too much. Be quiet. If you are told judgemental, keep your opinion to yourself.

The strength of your relationship depends on your willingness to change.

  1. FOLLOW UP Thank your sibling, and ask them if its okay to follow up.
    Call it a quarterly review, if you will. Promise to check in on your status. Mark it on your calendar, just like a doctor’s appointment and do it. Be sincere in your efforts to change. Siblings can tell if you don’t mean it.

I hope these tips help you along the road to a better relationship with your siblings. Love, Simone

Dear Macy’s: Please Save Thanksgiving

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Dear Macy’s,Thanksgiving is my absolute favorite holiday. It is all about food and family. In my family, my mom cooks the turkey, ham, macaroni and cheese, and everyone else makes the side dishes. For example, me and my dad make the yeast rolls, Isaac makes the mashed potatoes, Morris makes the brussel sprouts, etc. etc.  The day includes lots of food, laughing, and games. And until now, there have been no external forces competing for our family time together. And, that’s why you should close your stores. 

 

You and I have been friends for many years, and I always enjoy scouring the sales rack during the change of seasons. But, I fear your decision to open your doors for commerce on the evening of Thanksgiving is cause for concern.
I know, I know. All the other stores are doing it. But, if all the other stores decided to jump off the proverbial bridge does that mean you would too?
 

Let’s face it Wal-Mart and Toys R Us began encroaching upon Thanksgiving last year, but you…you are so much better than them. Wal- Mart is known for its low prices and questionable employment practices. And, Toys R US, well, they need all the help they can get. But you, dear Macy’s, have always been better than that. You appear to treat your employees with dignity, you hire veterans, and aside from that icky music video of Justin Bieber and Mariah Carey you and I are generally on good terms.

 

But, this decision to sacrifice the family time of thousands of employees for four more hours of commerce…could really damage our relationship.

I know full well the sacredness of Thanksgiving and Christmas to mall workers. (The only two days most malls are closed). Because, I worked at Kay Jewelers for six years. And, it is tough to be a mall worker during the holidays…the extended hours, the impatient shoppers, and the increased threat of theft. The mall is open 363 days a year.

Isn’t that enough?

Or do you plan to stop selling online during this period of time?

 

There is logic that says, “people are shopping on-line anyway, let’s bring them in the stores.” No, we should not bring them in the stores. Because, once you, dear Macy’s, fling your doors open for commerce on Thanksgiving Day more merchants will soon follow, and the damage will be irreparable.

 

You and J.C. Penny’s made the right decision last year. Couldn’t you make it again?
You may say it’s the evening, and we aren’t opening until 8:00 p.m.!
 

Even though, the store opens at 8:00 p.m., I imagine staff will have to arrive at 7:00 p.m. And, some employees commute an hour or more. So, they have to leave home at 6:00 p.m. But, it takes an hour to get dressed and look presentable. So, while their family is sitting down to relax and watch a ball game and enjoy dessert they will be ripped away from the festivities at roughly 5:00 p.m.

 

And, women that would normally be sequestered together with their unwanted in-laws, may now dip off to the mall in avoidance of that awkward silence. And, a golden opportunity for character building would have been missed.

 

And if you, Dear Macy’s, open your doors on Thanksgiving Day, your peers such as Nordstrom, Neiman Marcus, and Bergdorf Goodman will soon follow suite. Please save Thanksgiving, Macy’s. You have the
power to do so.

 

But, should you choose not to flex your influential muscle…I will not be shopping with you again until after the Christmas holiday. Nordstrom, TJ Maxx, and Ross made the right decision. So, there are plenty of moral shopping alternatives.

 

I’m sorry it, has to be this way, but the choice is yours.
__________________________________________________

Dear Reader, if you share my position on the Thanksgiving  retailing debacle, could you help me spread the word? Please pass this post along on your favorite social network. Who knows, we may just save some folks some time with family. Love, Simone

 

How Can You Save the World?

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Pursue your dreams.

In Britain, last year, a shortage of interpreters led to a small number of foreign suspects being released.
Now, there were some budget constraints that led to this situation. But, it got me to thinking. Perhaps someone out there hasn’t gotten around to following their dream and learning a language. If they had, would there have been fewer crimes on the streets of Britain?

And, that led to another line of thinking.

What other problems does the world have that you and I can solve if we pursue our dreams?

Are you a talented comedian? Good, because there is a lot of hurt and sadness in the world. And, there are people out here dying to laugh. Seriously, I see them everyday at work and on the bus here in D.C.

Are you a gifted filmmaker? Good, because there are millions of stories out there that need to be told. Take Charity:Water, for instance, it provides live-giving clean water to thousands of people in developing countries. You could make a film that tells the story of one person and how clean water changed the life of their village…more people would hear about this person, their village, the clean water project, and give money. As a result of your film, more people on our plant would have clean water!

Okay. Okay. I’m getting off my soap box now.

All of this is to say. We have to pursue our dreams y’all. The world needs us.

My Fantastic Family

My dream is to help make your family fantastic by strengthening bonds, eliminating squabbles, and helping you pursue your dreams. I have more than 30 years of experience living in a fantastic family. We are not perfect, but we are loving. And, I can help you and your family too.

Finding a Mentor Matters

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We all know about the power of coaching for athletes. And, mentoring in professional relationships. But, have you ever thought about mentoring/coaching for all aspects of your life and family? For example, Morris and I have marriage mentors. And, when I first “went natural” I had a hair coach. I also have a blog coach.

It doesn’t take a lot to form these relationships. It is simply realizing that someone has more knowledge than you in one area of your life, and exercising a bit of intellectual humility.

Intellectual humility is the point when you realize and embrace the fact that you don’t have all the answers. When Morris and I have kids I’ve already picked out Parenting Coaches. But, I wanted to share four things that I look for in a mentor/coach.

1. A Coach/Mentor must be trustworthy – If you are going to entrust  this person with your hopes and dreams, you must be certain that they are someone that will keep your dreams safe, be excited, and help you reach them. I once told a colleague at work about my plan to grow out my relaxer and embrace my natural kinky curls, and she proceeded to list all of the reasons why I shouldn’t do it. She was not a dream keeper.

So, I came home and enlisted the help of my neighbor and friend, Jes. And, the support of Jes made all the difference. Jes has beautiful hair and has been natural for several years. Jes was excited for me. She told me everything she learned during her natural hair journey, gave me hair products to get me started, told me where to shop for hair products, and e-mailed me lots of websites with the best information available. In short, Jes armed me with the knowledge needed for a healthy transition and cheered me on toward success.

2. A Coach/Mentor must have the heart of a teacher– I made a new friend in September, her name is Ashley and she is a professional blogger. A professional blogger! I met Ashley at a wedding while waiting in line at the restroom. She asked me about my profession, and I took a deep breath and explained that I’m an energy analyst for the federal government but I really want to be writer. And, she explained that she’s been a professional blogger for 7 years and offered to help me.

Ashley is the primary reason for the improvement in this blog content over the past several weeks. She listens, asks pointed questions about my ideas and goals, and then she gives me homework and tasks to help move me toward those goals.

3. A Coach/Mentor must keep you accountable – I told my friend, Barbara, that I wanted to be leave my job as an analyst and be a writer.  Barbara is an editor for a large D.C. publication, and she reviewed my writing samples and helped me submit column ideas to newspapers. The big writing gig hasn’t come along yet, but Barbara always asks about my progress and keeps me accountable when I get discouraged.

4. A Coach/Mentor must be where you want to be  – I guess this could be applied to anything, though. If you want to be a millionaire…ask a millionaire for financial advice. But, I apply this to our marriage mentors. Our marriage mentors have been married for forty plus years.  And, they still have A LOT of fun with each other. You can’t be around Ron & Cheryl and not laugh. The finish each other’s sentences and are deeply in love. Morris and I want to be where they are in 40 years.

Now, it’s your turn. I would like to know how you are using mentoring/coaching to improve your life and family? If you don’t have a mentor, but would like one…let me know and I’ll help you find one.

My Parents Don’t Agree with New Jersey

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Last week, same-sex marriage became legal in New Jersey. I haven’t discussed this topic with my parents, but I know they don’t agree with New Jersey.

You see, I learned my parents beliefs by what they did. They took me and my siblings to church. They told us they were praying for our respective spouses, and taught us to be loving toward others. They always taught me to show kindness. And, to never be afraid to share my beliefs.

Me with my Kindergarten Class

In kindergarten, I was afraid to pray at lunch time and give thanks to God for my meals. The kids at school made fun of me. So, I stopped praying, because I was embarrassed. For some reason, my Dad asked me about saying my prayers at dinner one day. And, I started to cry.

I knew my dad would be disappointed in me.

My Dad told me that I should continue praying for my lunch at school and that I should never be afraid of what other people think. He told me that I have to be brave and strong. My dad was always teaching me to be brave and strong.

Dad and Me

At five, he left me at Pizza Hut to order pizza and eat lunch while he went across the street to buy paint.

At six, he sent me into the Sheraton Hotel to retrieve a visitor that was joining my family for dinner. I walked into the hotel lobby, went to the front desk, and asked the concierge for Ms. Rutherford.  My dad waited at the curb in the “no parking” area in front of a hotel.

He was always pushing me beyond what I thought I could achieve. That’s what a good father does…he provides security and a safe place for you to fall and stumble and to grow. A good father teaches you to be brave, and helps you to push your own limits.

But, it was my mother that actually went to school and prayed with me at lunch time. That’s what a good mother does…she teaches you, shows you the way, and she is there to comfort you.

Me as an infant with my mother

And, for some odd reason when my mother joined me for lunch…all the kids joined in and wanted to pray too. I think it is because my mother is tall and glamorous and people love being around her. She prayed with me and all the kids wanted to join in.

That’s why I needed both parents. My dad helped me be brave and strong. And, my mother held my hand and went with me during the tough times.

My parents don’t agree with New Jersey, and neither do I. Families need both parents, a mother and a father.

Seeking Approval

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My brother told me that my last post amounted to a tweet, and that I need to work on expanding my idea. That’s one of the reasons my family is fantastic…we keeps it real. So, here goes…

I guess what I was trying to say in my last post is this: Christians are sometimes portrayed as happy go-lucky people that are immune to the struggles of life. But, that is a false notion.

We have trouble, we have enemies, and we have every-day struggles. And, each time I face some trouble, an enemy, or a struggle I try to ask myself “What is God trying to teach me?” But, it often takes me a while to complete the journey from initial reaction to self-reflection.

Today, I learned that I
really
really 
really want people to like me.

Two weeks ago, I applied to the Leadership Development Program at my job. The Program is a training series for high potential employees that have the potential to lead. And, I really wanted to get in. But, I didn’t tell anyone that I was applying, because I am super competitive.

And, I didn’t want people to ask me whether or not I was accepted.

And, I wanted to make it seem like applying was effortless. ( You know, the way someone compliments you on your hair, or new shoes, or whatever and you want to make it seem effortless so you say “Oh, this old thing. I’ve had this fooooorever).

And, I really wanted that validation that said: “Yes, S.B., you belong here. And, we acknowledge you are an excellent employee, an asset to the organization, and a nice person. We wish all employees were like you. And, we want you to be a future leader.”

But, I was rejected

And, I was crushed.

I spent the afternoon crying in my office, and dreaming of revenge. I know! I would apply for a job at Google. Get hired. And, tender my resignation with pomp and circumstance and let those jokers know that I am going to greener pastures and that I had a new AWESOME job.

But, that didn’t happen.

So, after a two-week road trip to self-reflection I’ve come to the conclusion that what I really wanted was approval from my job. Despite having the approval of my God, my husband, and my family…I still wanted outside validation. And, that is a dangerous place to be.

The approval and unconditional love of my top three (God, husband, and family) should be enough. And, it is. I just have to remind myself of that often.

In response to my most recent learning adventure, I’ve decided to further develop relationships with my husband and family that create an environment of approval and validation. I never want them to feel like they are without love or approval. So, I did some research on the topic. Would you like to know what I learned and give it a shot? Okay, let’s try these 3 tips…..

3 Tips for Demonstrating Approval 


TAKE INTEREST IN THEIR INTEREST.
If your sister is interested in fashion, ask for her opinion on the latest trends. Doing so demonstrates that her opinion is valuable and that you are listening.

HONOR THEM.
If your mother picked up your kids from school, honor her by explaining specifically what the help meant to you  specifically, buy her a nice perfume, OR write a nice thank you letter and mail it.

DROP THE CRITICISM.
Resist the temptation to correct your loved ones at every turn. You have made mistakes, and they will too! Unless it is detrimental to their health and well-being be supportive and only offer advice when asked.

What need for approval have you overcome today?

Gazelle Intensity: Do You Have It?

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Eighteen months ago Morris and I embarked on a journey to become debt free. As a couple, we had acquired $58,000 worth of debt in student/car loans. Someone told us about the perils of debt, and how it enslaves you and prevents you from building wealth. The someone was Dave Ramsey.

Dave says that if  you’ve gone into debt, you need to work as hard to get out of debt as a gazelle works to run from a cheetah. He references Proverbs 6, it says:

My child, if you have put up security for a friend’s debt
    or agreed to guarantee the debt of a stranger—
2 if you have trapped yourself by your agreement
    and are caught by what you said—
3 follow my advice and save yourself,
    for you have placed yourself at your friend’s mercy.
Now swallow your pride;
    go and beg to have your name erased.
4 Don’t put it off; do it now!
    Don’t rest until you do.
5 Save yourself like a gazelle escaping from a hunter,
    like a bird fleeing from a net.

So, we got gazelle intense.

We stuck to a budget. We downgraded our dates to Chipotle, Chick-fil-A, and Subway. We sacrificed trips. We checked out movies at the library, lived in a studio apartment, we made our lunches for work…and this week made our final student loan payment. And, now we are debt-free! Here is a video of Dave explaining Gazelle Intensity.