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M Simone Boyd

Marriage

Love Is Not Enough

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Image | Telegraph

Women need love. Men need respect. 
Love alone is not enough for a happy relationship. In Ephesians, Paul says “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” This is not a suggestion it is a must.

You may say “Simone, I am not married. So, this does not apply to me.” But, it does!

I’m learning through my interviews that being respectful is attractive. Being disrespectful is unattractive. For example, a girl my husband once dated told him that he wouldn’t be a good father, because he spent too much time working and studying for graduate school. He dumped that girl.

Respecting Men Will Help You Attract Men
If you are respectful, you will attract men. One of the guys I interviewed said that respect is critical, because he needs to know that someone values his ideas, respects his opinions, and that he has support.

Black men, especially, need our support. People are simply not lining up to tell them that they are loved and adored. Let us not forget that +Richard Sherman is a thug, despite being a Stanford graduate and Justin Bieber is our misguided youth, despite drag racing, drug possession, and egg throwing.

The Crazy Cycle

Image| Love & Respect

In his book, Love & Respect, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs says that when a man feels disrespected, he may react in ways that feel unloving. When a wife feels unloved, she may reacts in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband.

Dr. Eggerichs tells the story of his parent’s marriage. Mrs. Eggerichs made a good income, and it enabled her to live without Mr. Eggerichs resources. Mrs. Eggerichs sent her husband the message that she could get along without him, by making financial decisions without consulting him. Mr. Eggerichs felt insignificant, offended, and hurt. And, often responded in an angry manner which left his wife feeling unloved.

Respect Research:
+Shaunti Feldhahn interviewed more than one thousand men for her book For Women Only. Chapter 2 is dedicated to her findings regarding love and respect. She says that women can show respect by:

  • Respecting his judgment. A man deeply needs to know that the woman in his life respects his knowledge, opinions, and decisions.
  • Respecting his abilities. Men like to figure things out. The problem is we want to help them, and this translates into distrust.
  • Respect in public. Dozens of men told Ms. Feldhan that it was painful when their wives criticized them in public. But, the opposite is true too. If you praise him in public, he will feel adored.

How to Show Respect:

  • Refuse to engage in conversations that degrade men. When your girlfriend says “Girl, you know men don’t know nothing about (insert topic). Do not agree. We believe the things we hear ourselves say. If we believe men are good for nothing, we will treat them as such.
  • Admire men. It will improve the way you treat them. Men are attracted to women that admire them. Not in the sense that we, oogle or objectify them. But, that we appreciative their gifts, talents, and strengths.  Don’t you like it when someone admires you?
  • Compliment Men. If you are married, publicly praise your husband. If you are single, compliment the next five guys you see that are attractive. My friend recently began telling men that she thinks are attractive that they are, and in return she is attracting and being pursued more.
  • Question: How do you show respect to your spouse? If you are single, how will you practice respecting the men in your life?

 

Happy Wife, Happy Life

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Image | Hanna-Barbara

A few months ago, I was going through a rough patch at work. I was quite miserable, because things just weren’t going my way. And almost every day I would come home, sit in the closet, and cry. (We live in a studio apartment. So, there is little space for privacy).

Morris was supportive and comforting at first, but after about three months. He turns to me and says “Simone, I just want you to be happy.”

And, I says to myself “I am happy”.

Well…I’m happy with everything else in my life, except work. The problem is work and constantly thinking about it had consumed all of my mind space & soured my attitude. I was no longer the happy wife that Morris married.

His words stuck with me, and I made a decision to be happy again.

Make a Decision to Be Happy

I learned about making a decision to be happy during pre-marital counseling. Our counselor explained that for the first few years of his marriage he spent a long time trying to make his wife happy. Eventually, he moved out and they almost got a divorce! But, he realized that it was her decision to be happy, and it didn’t have anything to do with him. They reconciled, and have now been happily married for 14  years.

 

Views from Men on Relationship Happiness

When I am interviewing christian, black, men about their views on relationships. I also ask them about the importance of a woman’s happiness. All have said it was important, but for varying reasons. Here’s a few comments from the fellows on happiness in a relationship:

  • Women are good communicators. So, if they are not happy they will communicate it well.
  • Hurt people, hurt people. And, if a woman is perpetually unhappy she will hurt me and my family. It is a never ending cycle.
  • I want to be around someone that is happy, but I can’t be responsible for their happiness.
  • A woman’s happiness is important, but she can’t make it difficult for me to make her happy. If a man can’t make you happy, it is discouraging to him, and damaging to the relationship.

 

Have Your Own Life

Laura Doyle in her book “The Surrendered Single” talks about making yourself happy every day. She says that the more you enjoy your life, the more attractive you will be. I agree, because no one wants to be with a Debbie Downer.

She also recommends that women maintain their own lives when in relationships, because no one person can meet all of our emotional needs. Laura adds that casting aside friends and hobbies that you once enjoyed in favor of total immersion with a man could make you cranky, co-dependent and miserable. We must keep ourselves happy and balanced. This factor is paramount to a successful relationship, because no great love was ever founded upon a woman giving up everything she loves and enjoys.

For more tips on being happy visit +Rosetta Thurman over at Happy Black Woman…she is a wealth of wisdom on gaining and maintaining happiness.

Confession and Submission

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Image | MichaelHindes.org

I have a confession to make. I fell short on my commitment to you this week, and I didn’t interview any christian, black, men. I know. I know. It is the third week of the Guide to a Black Man’s Heart series and my goal was to interview at least two people. But I didn’t, and I have no excuses. Please forgive me.

The good news is that my friend, KR, sent me an interesting video that I want to share and discuss with you, and it is a tough topic – submission. Candace Cameron Bure, D.J. from Full House, has a new book entitled Balancing It All. I haven’t read the book yet, but there seems to be some controversy over her discussion of submission.

Submission

Submission seems like such a dirty word. It just makes me think weak and sniveling! I mean it is 2014, aren’t we supposed to be strong, assertive, running things, and Leaning In? But, alas, Ephesians 5 spills A LOT of ink on the this very topic. It says things like:

  • Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands, as unto the Lord
  • Wives, should submit to their husbands in everything
  • The husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church
In my head, I’m thinking: Lord, would you puleeeze gimme a break? And, He does. Because Ephesians continues that:
  • Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church
  • Husbands, ought to love their wives as their own bodies
  • He who loves his wife, loves himself

(continue self-talk) Yes, Lord! That’s more like it. You tell ’em. It is comforting for me to know that our part is to submit, but our husbands have to love us wildly and unconditionally. Afterall, that’s what Jesus does.D.J. Candace Cameron Bure gives a sublime definition of submission. Please take three minutes and watch the video of her discussing submission with the Huffington Post.

So what do you think about this whole submission thing? Is it necessary to make a marriage successful? 

The Problem with Being Too Independent

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In the fall of 2000, Destiny’s Child debuted their third hit single: Independent Women. It was a rallying cry for women to be 50/50 in relationships, depend on themselves, and that you only needed a man when you were lonely (and even then he was dismissible).

I can remember thinking. That’s right, Beyonce! Sing it, girl (insert fist pumping).

But 14 years later, being married, and two months into interviewing christian, black, men…I can see how the mindset of independence can be damaging to healthy relationships.

 

Independence is a barrier to healthy relationships

Two of the guys I talked to this week explained that independence and control are barriers that keep us from being in healthy relationships. Independence allows us to protect ourselves if something goes wrong. We’ll be okay if a man leaves us, or if he messes up, because we didn’t really need him in the first place. So, we metaphorically keep our bags packed and are always ready to make a quick exit.  Another guy explained that when we convince ourselves we don’t need a man, it affects how we treat them.

Independence is about protection

In her book, The Surrendered Single, Laura Doyle explains that women often protect themselves from disappointment and vulnerability by flaunting their independence. She says that strength is attractive, but hard-nosed independence sends a “get away” message. Women have another side that is soft and vulnerable. That is what men are drawn to. For instance, when you let a man treat you to dinner or help you with your luggage. You give him the opportunity to demonstrate his generosity. This makes him feel proud and happy. If you dismiss his offers in the name of independence, you reject him. 

God created men to be rescuers.

In his book, Wild at Heart, John Eldredge explains that the very essence of the way that God created man is to rescue a beauty. From the ancient fables to the latest blockbuster, the theme of a strong man coming to rescue a beautiful woman is universal to human nature. It is written in our hearts, one of the core desires of every man and woman. Moses came to the aid of Zipporah and her sisters at the well.  Boaz came to the aid of Ruth and Naomi. And, Joseph saved Mary from being stoned because of the immaculate conception.

So, the next time a man wants to come to your rescue, buy you dinner, or help you stuff your oversized carry-on in the overhead bin…resist the desire to assert your independence and allow him to be the man that God has created him to be.

What Does Goal-Setting Have to do with Relationships?

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As we approach the closing of 2013 and the opening of 2014, you may be thinking about setting goals for the upcoming year. But, I wanted to ask you…do you include goals for your ships?

I know. I know. You are saying “what on earth is a ship?”
Ships are your relationships, courtships, and friendships.

2013 is the first year that I included goals for my ships. And, I feel like God did some amazing things as a result of being intentional.

My 2013 Goals

My SHIP Goals and Why I Choose Them

I set a goal of completing a Bible Study with Morris and playing a sport with him. I wanted to do a Bible Study with Morris, because it’s important for us to continue growing in our faith together. We studied the 12 Traits of the Greats this summer and we still refer back to those lessons. I wanted to play a sport with Morris, because he likes them. I am not a huge fan of baseball, but I am a huge fan of Morris. So, we headed out to the park a couple of times to play catch. I think my wife stock rose as a result:-).

Third, I made a commitment to write two letters a week to friends and family, because I want to be a better steward of the relationships God has given me. So, often time marches on and it has been months since I’ve spoken to someone I love or care about. And, that makes me sad. So, I made it a point to write letters twice a week and to call or text friends just to say “hi” or “I was thinking about you”.

For more tips on goal-setting visit Michael Hyatt, former CEO of Thomas Nelson Publishing, over at his blog. He has written a great blog post on writing goals that are S.M.A.R.T. (Specific, Measurable, Actionable, Realistic and Time-Bound). I sat down and re-read it today while preparing to write my goals for 2014, and I wanted to share it with you. Just think about things and activities that are important to the people in your ships.  If you include your ships in your goal-setting for 2014, I promise you will have measurable returns.

Question: Have you set goals for your ships before? If so, how did it go? If not, will you set them in 2014?

How Ghanaians Changed My Views on Africa, Families, and Marriage

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“Are you Nigerian?” That’s what my friend, KB, said to me when we first met a few years ago. KB is Ghanaian-American and the child of immigrants. She thought I was Nigerian, because of my large family.

I don’t remember what I said to her, but I remember thinking.
“No! I’m from Nashville, but my family is from Texas.”

Before that day, I had never considered where my ancestors hailed from. But, I knew that I did not want them to be from Africa. Growing up, I can remember thinking how awful it would be to be from Africa. I blame Feed the Children for this notion.

Don’t get me wrong, Feed the Children does amazing work.  But, their marketing campaigns impacted me in a negative way. To this day, I can picture images of malnutritioned African children and their almost naked bodies. Seeing those children shaped my negative notion of Africa, and I can remember thinking thank goodness…I’m from Nashville!

africa flags
Image from solarpumpsafrica.com

But, then a few years ago I celebrated New Year’s Eve with KB at her church. I walked into the sanctuary. And, I remember being surrounded by the flags from all the African countries displayed around the sanctuary. The congregants are primarily West African families, and attending that service was a life-changing experience.

In one night, my views on Africa and my thoughts on black families changed literally overnight.

Africa is not a Country

Prior to that night, I thought of Africa as one distinct homogeneous place, and not a continent of 55 countries*, thousands of languages, and a number of cultural nuances. Take Togo, for instance. Another friend was on her way to Mozambique, and lost her luggage in Togo. Locals kept telling her not to worry, because the Togolese are known for their honesty and her bag would be returned. Sure enough, a few days later her luggage was returned.

Black Marriages Still Work

Martin and Coretta
Image from blackmarriedtricities.org

Prior to that night, I also wasn’t sure if black marriages worked anymore.  The only black married couples that I knew where my parents, and my best friend’s parents. But, both those couples were close to their sixties, and I was in complete despair.

But, that night after the service my friend invited me to have New Year’s breakfast with her and some friends. And, I found myself surrounded by 4 or 5 young married couples that looked like me. All the couples were in their twenties and shared this bond that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

They were talking about courting traditions, and marrying traditions, and traditions for new babies in the community. And, they all had this common thread. There was no drama, and everyone was just sitting there talking and laughing.

And, I soaked up every minute. Because I had NEVER been in this environment before.
I was surrounded by young and married black families, and I loved every minute of it.

Ghanaian Family Traditions

It took me a while to digest everything, but I’ve been talking to my friend about Ghanaian culture and tradition on and off ever since. And, the more I learn…the more I love Ghanaians. Did you know there are very few single-parent homes in the Ghanaian community?

Yes, it’s true. It almost never happens, because if something happens to the husband. Then the brother or the closest male relative cares for that family as if it were his own.

And, very few children are born out of wedlock. Because, when a man expresses interest in a woman. He expresses interest in joining that family. The process is called the knocking, and it is a ceremonious occasion that involves an entire family. There is no going off alone to neck and play footsie, because the young man expresses his interest in the family first and lets the family know that he is a man of integrity. Then, he is given permission to pursue a relationship with the daughter.

Simone, Me, and KB

Here in D.C.,  I have the gift of coming in contact with many more people and families that recently immigrated to the United States and people that have studied and visited Africa. My friend, Simone, lives in Benin and trains teachers. You can read more about her work here.

I plan to visit Simone and Benin next year, and I can’t wait to see the beauty that is not often publicized in Africa. I’ll share pics when I return.

Breathtaking Kenya and Zambia

Another one of my friends visited Kenya and Zambia. She came back with great stories of going on safari, a gourmet breakfast in the wild, and seeing Blair Underwood and his family. Aren’t her photographs are breathtaking?

Victoria Falls in Zambia


Where Do I Come From?

I’m proud to be an American, but I long to know so much more about my African heritage and where I come from. One of the things that I love about Morris is that his mother’s side of the family can trace back 7 generations to the village that they lived in Nicaragua. What a gift to know where you come from?

I think that’s one of the many missing links for our families today. There is no pride or heritage or traditions in sharing where we come from. Where do we come from?!?

One of my goals in 2014 will include tracing my blood line to a specific country and visiting Africa. I’m not sure if I am Kenyan, Ghanaian or Nigerian, but if I am…I am proud of it.
____________________________________________________________________

*According to Africacheck.org, the number ranges from 54-56 countries depending on whether or not you include Morocco and Somaliland.

Finding a Mentor Matters

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We all know about the power of coaching for athletes. And, mentoring in professional relationships. But, have you ever thought about mentoring/coaching for all aspects of your life and family? For example, Morris and I have marriage mentors. And, when I first “went natural” I had a hair coach. I also have a blog coach.

It doesn’t take a lot to form these relationships. It is simply realizing that someone has more knowledge than you in one area of your life, and exercising a bit of intellectual humility.

Intellectual humility is the point when you realize and embrace the fact that you don’t have all the answers. When Morris and I have kids I’ve already picked out Parenting Coaches. But, I wanted to share four things that I look for in a mentor/coach.

1. A Coach/Mentor must be trustworthy – If you are going to entrust  this person with your hopes and dreams, you must be certain that they are someone that will keep your dreams safe, be excited, and help you reach them. I once told a colleague at work about my plan to grow out my relaxer and embrace my natural kinky curls, and she proceeded to list all of the reasons why I shouldn’t do it. She was not a dream keeper.

So, I came home and enlisted the help of my neighbor and friend, Jes. And, the support of Jes made all the difference. Jes has beautiful hair and has been natural for several years. Jes was excited for me. She told me everything she learned during her natural hair journey, gave me hair products to get me started, told me where to shop for hair products, and e-mailed me lots of websites with the best information available. In short, Jes armed me with the knowledge needed for a healthy transition and cheered me on toward success.

2. A Coach/Mentor must have the heart of a teacher– I made a new friend in September, her name is Ashley and she is a professional blogger. A professional blogger! I met Ashley at a wedding while waiting in line at the restroom. She asked me about my profession, and I took a deep breath and explained that I’m an energy analyst for the federal government but I really want to be writer. And, she explained that she’s been a professional blogger for 7 years and offered to help me.

Ashley is the primary reason for the improvement in this blog content over the past several weeks. She listens, asks pointed questions about my ideas and goals, and then she gives me homework and tasks to help move me toward those goals.

3. A Coach/Mentor must keep you accountable – I told my friend, Barbara, that I wanted to be leave my job as an analyst and be a writer.  Barbara is an editor for a large D.C. publication, and she reviewed my writing samples and helped me submit column ideas to newspapers. The big writing gig hasn’t come along yet, but Barbara always asks about my progress and keeps me accountable when I get discouraged.

4. A Coach/Mentor must be where you want to be  – I guess this could be applied to anything, though. If you want to be a millionaire…ask a millionaire for financial advice. But, I apply this to our marriage mentors. Our marriage mentors have been married for forty plus years.  And, they still have A LOT of fun with each other. You can’t be around Ron & Cheryl and not laugh. The finish each other’s sentences and are deeply in love. Morris and I want to be where they are in 40 years.

Now, it’s your turn. I would like to know how you are using mentoring/coaching to improve your life and family? If you don’t have a mentor, but would like one…let me know and I’ll help you find one.

My Parents Don’t Agree with New Jersey

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Last week, same-sex marriage became legal in New Jersey. I haven’t discussed this topic with my parents, but I know they don’t agree with New Jersey.

You see, I learned my parents beliefs by what they did. They took me and my siblings to church. They told us they were praying for our respective spouses, and taught us to be loving toward others. They always taught me to show kindness. And, to never be afraid to share my beliefs.

Me with my Kindergarten Class

In kindergarten, I was afraid to pray at lunch time and give thanks to God for my meals. The kids at school made fun of me. So, I stopped praying, because I was embarrassed. For some reason, my Dad asked me about saying my prayers at dinner one day. And, I started to cry.

I knew my dad would be disappointed in me.

My Dad told me that I should continue praying for my lunch at school and that I should never be afraid of what other people think. He told me that I have to be brave and strong. My dad was always teaching me to be brave and strong.

Dad and Me

At five, he left me at Pizza Hut to order pizza and eat lunch while he went across the street to buy paint.

At six, he sent me into the Sheraton Hotel to retrieve a visitor that was joining my family for dinner. I walked into the hotel lobby, went to the front desk, and asked the concierge for Ms. Rutherford.  My dad waited at the curb in the “no parking” area in front of a hotel.

He was always pushing me beyond what I thought I could achieve. That’s what a good father does…he provides security and a safe place for you to fall and stumble and to grow. A good father teaches you to be brave, and helps you to push your own limits.

But, it was my mother that actually went to school and prayed with me at lunch time. That’s what a good mother does…she teaches you, shows you the way, and she is there to comfort you.

Me as an infant with my mother

And, for some odd reason when my mother joined me for lunch…all the kids joined in and wanted to pray too. I think it is because my mother is tall and glamorous and people love being around her. She prayed with me and all the kids wanted to join in.

That’s why I needed both parents. My dad helped me be brave and strong. And, my mother held my hand and went with me during the tough times.

My parents don’t agree with New Jersey, and neither do I. Families need both parents, a mother and a father.

Gazelle Intensity: Do You Have It?

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Eighteen months ago Morris and I embarked on a journey to become debt free. As a couple, we had acquired $58,000 worth of debt in student/car loans. Someone told us about the perils of debt, and how it enslaves you and prevents you from building wealth. The someone was Dave Ramsey.

Dave says that if  you’ve gone into debt, you need to work as hard to get out of debt as a gazelle works to run from a cheetah. He references Proverbs 6, it says:

My child, if you have put up security for a friend’s debt
    or agreed to guarantee the debt of a stranger—
2 if you have trapped yourself by your agreement
    and are caught by what you said—
3 follow my advice and save yourself,
    for you have placed yourself at your friend’s mercy.
Now swallow your pride;
    go and beg to have your name erased.
4 Don’t put it off; do it now!
    Don’t rest until you do.
5 Save yourself like a gazelle escaping from a hunter,
    like a bird fleeing from a net.

So, we got gazelle intense.

We stuck to a budget. We downgraded our dates to Chipotle, Chick-fil-A, and Subway. We sacrificed trips. We checked out movies at the library, lived in a studio apartment, we made our lunches for work…and this week made our final student loan payment. And, now we are debt-free! Here is a video of Dave explaining Gazelle Intensity.

  

 

How to Dig Your Marital Grave in the Quickest Possible Way

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I opened the refrigerator door last week to discover that two bags of frozen vegetables had been removed from the freezer, opened, and placed in the refrigerator.

The bags of vegetables were identical.

Both bags were clearly labeled:  KEEP FROZEN.

Yet, the vegetables had been left in the refrigerator.

This was a major problem. And, I was furious.

Only one other person lives in our 300 sq ft studio apartment. So, I knew immediately knew who to blame.

Why had our Trader  Joe’s Country Potatoes with Haricots Verts & Wild Mushrooms been carelessly moved to the refrigerator?

Each bag cost $2.99. ( A total of $6.49 with tax).

Didn’t I always say “waste not, want not?”

This was clearly wasting.  And, hungry children across the globe could have feasted for a week on $6.49.

I thought about calling Morris at work to inquire about the reason for leaving frozen vegetables in the refrigerator. But, I decided against it.

Thankfully.

On the way to work, I was saved by the words of Dale Carnegie in How to Win Friends and Influence People.  In Part Six of his book, Carnegie describes the great tragedy of Abraham Lincoln’s life – his marriage. For almost a quarter century, Mrs. Lincoln nagged and harassed the life out of him.

She was always complaining, always criticizing her husband; nothing about him was ever right. He was stoop-shouldered, he walked awkwardly and lifted his feet straight up and down like an Indian. She complained that there was no spring in his step, no grace in his movement; and she mimicked his gait. She didn’t like the way his huge ears stood out at right angles. She even told him that his nose wasn’t straight, and on, and on, and on. Did all this nagging and scolding and raging change Lincoln? In one way, yes. It certainly changed his attitude toward her. It made him regret his unfortunate marriage, and it made him avoid her presence as much as possible. While a circuit attorney, he remained out on the circuit for three months in the spring and three months in autumn. Other attorneys managed to return home for the weekends, but Lincoln dreaded to go home. So, he didn’t. Such are the results that Mrs. Lincoln obtained by nagging.

The aforementioned chapter is entitled, How to Dig Your Marital Grave in the Quickest Possible Way.

And after reading it, I decided that $6.49 and two bags of frozen vegetables were not worth nagging about.

By the way, there was a perfectly reasonable explanation for the vegetables to be in the refrigerator: Morris was thawing them to eat for breakfast the following morning.