M Simone Boyd
For me, it seems like every day is a fight in overcoming fear. No, I don’t kick and scream. No, I don’t cower in the corner. But I do have a voice that pops up and asks accusatory questions, like:
Waaaay better people have come before you and failed. …
Earlier this year, I did something super scary. I told a room of 50 strangers about my dream of starting a business. Up until this moment, the dream had been somewhat of a secret.
I had a business plan, I pitched the idea to my husband, and I told a few close friends. But, the thought of telling strangers was terrifying.What if they didn’t like my business idea? What if they laughed? What if they didn’t share my opinion or views? Aghhh! There were just so many things that could go wrong. And, guess what?
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| Isaac & Simone |
My brother, Isaac, is getting married in 28 days. I am more than excited for him. But, I am less than enthusiastic for myself. You see, Isaac is 25. I am 28. He is getting married before me, and that presents a conundrum. Why you say? Because, I will have to face all of our family, all of our friends, and all their questions.You know the questions I’m referring to. The one’s that come with raised eyebrows and feigned courtesy. You look great, Simone, how are you doing? Translation: You aren’t ugly, Simone, why aren’t you married? Ahhhh!
What’s a single girl to do? How do I explain that I am content? I LOVE my, family, job, apartment, friends, church, and all around life. How do I explain that when I wake up in the morning I thank God for another day that I get to live in this FANTASTIC city? Why does it have to boil down to this one future guy that I hope to meet in the near or distant future?
Yes. One day I do want to be married. Yes. I do want to have 4-6 kids. No. I am not delusional. I know that if I want to have that many kids I’ll have to start sooner rather than later. And No. I’m not one of those Sex in the City gals that thinks having a great career, wearing high heels to walk 20 blocks, and sleeping around is the life. I’m just not in a hurry. Can that be okay?
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| Image | www.adriansnood.com |
Do you know that we only have 7 seconds to make a first impression?
It’s true, according to Forbes.
Part of making a good first impression is believing in yourself, the person you are, and your potential. Perhaps it sounds silly, but each of us has God-given gifts and talents the world needs. And, not making a good first impression could be a barrier to us sharing our gifts with the world.
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A few weeks ago, I did something super scary. I told a room of 50 strangers about my dream of starting a business. Up until this moment, the dream had been somewhat of a secret. I had a business plan, I pitched the idea to my husband, and I told a few close friends. But, the thought of telling strangers was terrifying.
What if they didn’t like my business idea? What if they laughed? What if they didn’t share my opinion or views? Aghhhh! There were just so many things that could wrong.
And, guess what? I pitched my idea at a business pitch competition AND everything that could go wrong did go wrong.
It was a horrible experience. I cried whenever a nice person tried to tell me that “you did okay.” I cried when anyone tried to console me. I cried on the Metro ride home, and I cried when I told Morris about the whole debacle that night.
And, then I went to bed. But, I didn’t sleep. Because, I kept replaying the day’s events in my head.
Fear Holds Us Back
Fear holds us back from soooo many things: mending relationships, taking new jobs, moving, etc. Fear is powerful, because we focus on everything that could go wrong. We tend to forget about the things that could go right.
The good news is that: even when everything does go wrong…we survive.
The Good News
I think that’s why the Bible talks about fear so much, because the Lord understands that it only holds us back. And, even if bad things happen we survive. He’ll be with us.
Joshua 9:1 says: Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.
Isaiah 41:10 says: So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
I Bounced Back
The crazy thing about the pitch competition is that the first time was only practice. So, I had to go back the next day and do the pitch again in front of twice as many people.
But, the Lord’s mercies are new every morning. So, I got up super early and began practicing with my webcam. It went well that time, and…I was selected as a finalist!
I’ll know in June whether or not I’m selected to enter the Count Me In/Capitol One Business Accelerator program. But, even if I’m not selected I feel like I’ve already won…because I punched my fears and I survived. By the way, check out my Hire Me! Page…it’s another step in me fighting fear.
Tell me how is fear holding you back? And, what could you do to punch it?
I look forward to hearing from you. Love, Simone
*Image| Piranhagear.com
I love the song, Let it Go. I love the message. And, I love the reminder it gives me: there is power in letting go. This song is from the movie, Frozen. A movie about two sisters with a strained relationship. One sister hurts the other, and drama ensues.
We all have been wounded. We all have been hurt. And, generally those hurts are inflicted by those closest to us. But, continuing to hold onto hurt and offense is crippling.
The Burden of Offense
Pastor Wesley talked about learning to live above offense a few weeks ago at church. He said that:
The message stuck with me, because offense is the enemy of strong relationships, marriages, and families.
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| Image| glorialockhart.com |
Forgiveness is the key to letting go.
Make a Decision
We must make a decision to forgive. There is a common misperception that we must feel “ready” to forgive. It’s wrong. Forgiveness starts with a decision. We make the decision and act on it.
Do you remember the parable of the talents?
In Matthew, a servant owed his master approximately $4.5 billion dollars. However, the master was kind and generous and forgave the debt. He probably felt like he could use the money, but he made a decision to forgive. The servant, on the other hand, was owed approximately $4,000 and made a decision not to forgive the debt. The master was enraged and turned the unforgiving servant over to the torturers.
The same principle applies to us. If we don’t forgive others of their offenses, we won’t be forgiven of ours. Once you let go and forgive, you have the power to move forward in freedom. So, let’s let go.
Question: How will your relationships improve when you let go?
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| Image | cltc.com |
When Morris and I first began dating, our relationship almost came to a screeching halt. Because, I had a checklist and he was “missing” an item.
My list included that he must 1) love Jesus 2) be tall and 3) volunteer.
It was important that my potential husband volunteer. Because, I had to be certain that he cared for others.
So, I tested Morris one day.
We were at Screen on the Green with some friends on the National Mall, and I asked him if he would like to go volunteer with me at a homeless shelter.
He said “No, homeless shelters aren’t really my thing”
“WHAT?!” I says to myself. “Not, your thing?! Clearly, I can’t marry someone that doesn’t want to volunteer at a homeless shelter. He obviously has no heart and would not be a suitable match.” In my mind, my checklist kept me from wasting time on unsuitable matches.
I Was Wrong.
Fast forward 4 years…Morris, now my husband, volunteers with the homeless ministry at our church. And, spends at least some time every weekend volunteering. He later told me that he finds homeless shelters depressing, but otherwise he is very much for volunteering. Clearly, my initial snap judgement was wrong. What if I had ruled him out because of that one response? I would likely be lonely.
The box is the list or mental checklist that we keep in our heads. It says what our perfect potential mate should look like. Maybe your dream man is tall, looks like +Idris Elba , and has the personality and bank account of +Steve Harvey . In reality, the checklist is a suit of armor.
Why We Create the Box
Laura Doyle in her book , The Surrendered Single, says that the checklist is about fear. She says that by holding on to qualities we want in a man, we are setting ourselves up for unrealistic expectations. As long as the checklist is never met, we don’t have to risk our hearts and we don’t have to be vulnerable.
I also think we set up checklists to impress people in our social circles. In our minds, we’ve set up what our families, friends, and colleagues will find acceptable and we arbitrarily rule out men that fall outside those parameters.
The Problems with the Box:
Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have standards. You should. But, your standards should be reflective of his character, not his resume.
God Knows What We Need, We Don’t.
I am an extrovert, impatient, get fussy when things don’t go my way, and am woefully lacking in the mercy department. So, God gave me a husband that is long suffering, patient, and gives EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt. If you are anything like me, you probably have not identified all of your character defects. But, God knows what you need in a man…even if you don’t.
You Might Miss Out on a Good Thing.
In short, good men come in all shapes and sizes and God knows what you need. Don’t limit yourself to dating inside the box, because you could miss out on a good thing just like I almost did.
Question: Do you have a dating checklist or box? If so, what will you do to let it go?
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| Image | BET Networks |
Last week the television series, Being Mary Jane, concluded its 8-week run on BET. The show followed the life of Mary Jane Paul, a successful news anchor that has a tumultuous family and love life. She dates and pursues a relationship with a married man.
The troubling fact is, that in an effort to promote the show, BET urged women to take to social media and explain why they are Mary Jane. Thousands of women responded for the chance to be featured on a commercial break. And it made me wonder, why is there a constant stream of indecency nowadays?
The Principle of the Path
In his book, the Principle of the Path, Andy Stanley says that direction-not intention-determines our destination. If I get in my car and drive toward I-95 South headed toward Richmond. My destination is ultimately, Richmond. It doesn’t matter that I intended to go I-95 North to Baltimore and visit the aquarium. The same is true in life.
If your actions and decisions are headed in the direction of heartache and heartbreak, that will be your ultimate destination.
People Need Truth
The Mary Janes of the world need people that will tell them the truth, reach out, and pray with them and for them. Indecency thrives when we sit by, shake our heads, and do nothing.
We Are in a Battle
The death of decency is simply a symptom of a deeper problem. John 10:10 says that the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy. But, I came that you might have life and it more abundantly. The death of decency is all a part of the enemy’s plan, and it is played out every single day when a husband is stolen, a family is destroyed, or an innocent is life taken.
But, Christ came that we might have life and it more abundantly. Pĕrissŏs is the Greek word for abundantly, and it means superabundant, beyond, superior, excessive, and superfluous. And, that’s the life Christ wants for me, you, and even the Mary Janes of the world.
Question: What factors do you think are contributing to the death of decency? How can we fight those factors?
Last week, Morris and I studied courage. In the series, The 12 Traits of the Greats courage is defined as the mental or moral strength to venture. 12 Traits explains that courage is more about action than forethought and that success is simply the action of getting of the bleachers and getting involved.
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| Antoinette Tuff Photo from Gwinnett Daily Post |
That’s what Antoinette Tuff did this week when she persuaded a would-be murderer at an elementary school to put down his AK-47 and surrender to the police. She got involved.
Ms. Tuff didn’t wait for others to get involved. She didn’t wait to see what was going to happen. She didn’t analyze the perils of getting involved. She just went with the wisdom of Nike and just did it.
And, because of her courage untold lives were saved.
12 Traits says that when you force yourself to do the opposite of what your natural tendencies are telling you to do, and when you turn toward fear instead of away from it, your fear shrinks.
After hearing the story of Ms. Tuff, I decided to start marketing my writing again and shrinking my fears. You see, I had a couple of story ideas rejected in the past year…and it takes some time for me to bounce back. So, I haven’t submitted any articles to publishers in weeks. But, hearing Ms. Tuff’s story inspired me and gave me courage – I submitted three stories this week to newspapers and magazines.
Other folks in my family are shrinking their fears too. My brother, Izo, is leaving his job at a mortgage company this week to pursue his dream of being a producer- with no job prospects in sight. And my brother, Zaiah, has a tryout with a developmental team for the NBA in early September. I’ll keep you posted on our progress.
Courage has many faces, and here are a three that inspire me:
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| Sir Winston Churchill Photo from Wikipedia |
Google says that fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain or a threat. Fear can also be paralyzing i.e. the fear of doing “something” is often worse than actually doing the thing you fear.
But, I overcame one of my fears last week–networking.
The idea of networking makes me nervous. Because it conjures up visions of a whole bunch of folks buzzing around, pretending to be interested in one another, exchanging business cards, and making promises to e-mail and “do lunch.”
I have successfully avoided networking for the past five years, but since I am seeking to change career fields it seems that the time has come for me to overcome this fear.
The training event that I attended last week had networking written all over it. So, I set out with the goal of meeting 3 people.
“Just 3 people, SB, you can do this. Just meet 3 people.” I gave myself a pre-training pep talk. But, when I arrived at the conference all the courage I had summoned–evaporated.
I must have looked pretty pitiful too; because Steve, from the EPA, offered to help me find my way to the registration table. My anxiety eased a little because I had not even entered the building and I had already met one person.
But, then I entered the building. And, all I could see were throngs of people that all knew each other and knew where they were going and there I was by myself…and I felt like an outsider. So, I checked in at registration and regrouped. I skipped breakfast, and went to the opening session early. So, that I could sit in solitude and not face all the networkers eating breakfast together with all of their bestest friends.
However, someone sat beside me. I said good morning and we started to talk. It turns out that Jeff is the president of a local university. So, I began to feel a bit better because I had met two people and the first session had not even started.
By the end of the event, I had met nine people. Three times my goal!
And, I learned something about myself. I realized that I am uncomfortable walking up to a stranger and introducing myself. However, if I sit next to a stranger…I can talk to my new best friend all day. I think the key for me is the one-on-one interaction.
But, it made me think…what other people and opportunities have I missed because of fear?
Don’t get me wrong though. Some fear can be good. For example, the fear of being poor makes me work really hard, budget, and save. The fear of being unhealthy makes me eat 7 to 9 fruit and vegetables a day and go to the gym 3 to 4 times a week. And, the fear of God makes me want to live a life that is pleasing to Him. So, when it is time for me to go…I am ready.
Fear can be a good thing because it pushes us. Or fear can be a bad thing because it holds us back.
What fears do you have that push you or hold you back?