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M Simone Boyd

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The War on Families

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Image| theragblog.blogspot.com

Two years ago, I was a juror for a criminal case.

At the time of her arrest,  the defendant had a gun, drugs, and her 18 month-old son in the car at the time.

And I began to get a picture of the her  life from the character witnesses. Her family was unsupportive. Her boyfriend was unkind, and she was uneducated.

It made me sad, because as a juror I am sworn to look at the facts of the case in isolation. But as a christian, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for this young girl that had been failed by so many.

They Were Both Doomed

And, I started thinking about what kind of life her son would have. The odds are that:

  • He will live in poverty
  • He will not complete high school
  • He will have anger problems
  • He will face a similar jury for committing similar crimes. 
And, I got angry because I realized this baby boy and his mother we both doomed.

So, in my zeal to do something I decided I would change careers and become a  parole officer. But, after weeks of phone calls, introductory e-mails, and research I never even got an informational interview.

So, I decided I would wage war with my keyboard.

image
The War On Families

Whether or not you realize it, there is a war on families. And, it is fought in many seemingly unrelated battles:

  • fewer Christian women getting married
  • the number of marriages that end in divorce 
  • the proliferation of same-sex marriage laws
  • the wrong images of marriage that abound (read: Jay-Z and Beyonce et.al. )
  • continuous family feuds and unresolved conflicts

John 10:10 says that the Thief comes to kill, steal, and destroy. But, Jesus came that we might have life and it more abundantly. Abundant life includes our relationships, marriages and families. 


And, I am on a mission to see that restored. 

Why I Write this Blog
I write this blog because the world needs strong families. Strong families start with strong marriages. And, strong marriages start with strong relationships.

John C. Maxwell in his book, Make Today Count, says that the relational foundation of any family is a couple’s marriage. It sets the tone for the household, and it is the model relationship that children learn from more than any other.

I also write this blog for my single friends that I love and adore. They want to be married. I want to share the lessons I am learning. I also want them to skip my mistakes.

Question: What battles do you see being fought against strong families? 

Dating Outside the Box

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Image | cltc.com

When Morris and I first began dating, our relationship almost came to a screeching halt. Because, I had a checklist and he was “missing” an item.

My list included that he must 1) love Jesus 2) be tall and 3) volunteer.

It was important that my potential husband volunteer. Because, I had to be certain that he cared for others.

So, I tested Morris one day.

We were at Screen on the Green with some friends on the National Mall, and I asked him if he would like to go volunteer with me at a homeless shelter. 

He said “No, homeless shelters aren’t really my thing”

“WHAT?!” I says to myself. “Not, your thing?! Clearly, I can’t marry someone that doesn’t want to volunteer at a homeless shelter. He obviously has no heart and would not be a suitable match.” In my mind, my checklist kept me from wasting time on unsuitable matches.

I Was Wrong. 
Fast forward 4 years…Morris, now my husband, volunteers with the homeless ministry at our church. And, spends at least some time every weekend volunteering. He later told me that he finds homeless shelters depressing, but otherwise he is very much for volunteering. Clearly, my initial snap judgement was wrong. What if I had ruled him out because of that one response? I would likely be lonely.

Dating Outside the Box

The box is the list or mental checklist that we keep in our heads. It says what our perfect potential mate should look like. Maybe your dream man is tall, looks like +Idris Elba , and has the personality and bank account of +Steve Harvey . In reality, the checklist is a suit of armor.

Why We Create the Box
Laura Doyle in her book , The Surrendered Single, says that the checklist is about fear. She says that by holding on to qualities we want in a man, we are setting ourselves up for unrealistic expectations. As long as the checklist is never met, we don’t have to risk our hearts and we don’t have to be vulnerable.

I also think we set up checklists to impress people in our social circles. In our minds, we’ve set up what our families, friends, and colleagues will find acceptable and we arbitrarily rule out men that fall outside those parameters.

The Problems with the Box:

  • You rule out a lot of good men.
  • The man that is right for you, might be different than you imagined.
  • It leaves little room for input from the Lord.

Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have standards. You should. But, your standards should be reflective of his character, not his resume.

God Knows What We Need, We Don’t. 

I am an extrovert, impatient, get fussy when things don’t go my way, and am woefully lacking in the mercy department. So, God gave me a husband that is long suffering, patient, and gives EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt. If you are anything like me, you probably have not identified all of your character defects. But, God knows what you need in a man…even if you don’t.

You Might Miss Out on a Good Thing.
In short, good men come in all shapes and sizes and God knows what you need.  Don’t limit yourself to dating inside the box, because you could miss out on a good thing just like I almost did.

Question: Do you have a dating checklist or box? If so, what will you do to let it go?

 

Happy Wife, Happy Life

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Image | Hanna-Barbara

A few months ago, I was going through a rough patch at work. I was quite miserable, because things just weren’t going my way. And almost every day I would come home, sit in the closet, and cry. (We live in a studio apartment. So, there is little space for privacy).

Morris was supportive and comforting at first, but after about three months. He turns to me and says “Simone, I just want you to be happy.”

And, I says to myself “I am happy”.

Well…I’m happy with everything else in my life, except work. The problem is work and constantly thinking about it had consumed all of my mind space & soured my attitude. I was no longer the happy wife that Morris married.

His words stuck with me, and I made a decision to be happy again.

Make a Decision to Be Happy

I learned about making a decision to be happy during pre-marital counseling. Our counselor explained that for the first few years of his marriage he spent a long time trying to make his wife happy. Eventually, he moved out and they almost got a divorce! But, he realized that it was her decision to be happy, and it didn’t have anything to do with him. They reconciled, and have now been happily married for 14  years.

 

Views from Men on Relationship Happiness

When I am interviewing christian, black, men about their views on relationships. I also ask them about the importance of a woman’s happiness. All have said it was important, but for varying reasons. Here’s a few comments from the fellows on happiness in a relationship:

  • Women are good communicators. So, if they are not happy they will communicate it well.
  • Hurt people, hurt people. And, if a woman is perpetually unhappy she will hurt me and my family. It is a never ending cycle.
  • I want to be around someone that is happy, but I can’t be responsible for their happiness.
  • A woman’s happiness is important, but she can’t make it difficult for me to make her happy. If a man can’t make you happy, it is discouraging to him, and damaging to the relationship.

 

Have Your Own Life

Laura Doyle in her book “The Surrendered Single” talks about making yourself happy every day. She says that the more you enjoy your life, the more attractive you will be. I agree, because no one wants to be with a Debbie Downer.

She also recommends that women maintain their own lives when in relationships, because no one person can meet all of our emotional needs. Laura adds that casting aside friends and hobbies that you once enjoyed in favor of total immersion with a man could make you cranky, co-dependent and miserable. We must keep ourselves happy and balanced. This factor is paramount to a successful relationship, because no great love was ever founded upon a woman giving up everything she loves and enjoys.

For more tips on being happy visit +Rosetta Thurman over at Happy Black Woman…she is a wealth of wisdom on gaining and maintaining happiness.

How Ghanaians Changed My Views on Africa, Families, and Marriage

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“Are you Nigerian?” That’s what my friend, KB, said to me when we first met a few years ago. KB is Ghanaian-American and the child of immigrants. She thought I was Nigerian, because of my large family.

I don’t remember what I said to her, but I remember thinking.
“No! I’m from Nashville, but my family is from Texas.”

Before that day, I had never considered where my ancestors hailed from. But, I knew that I did not want them to be from Africa. Growing up, I can remember thinking how awful it would be to be from Africa. I blame Feed the Children for this notion.

Don’t get me wrong, Feed the Children does amazing work.  But, their marketing campaigns impacted me in a negative way. To this day, I can picture images of malnutritioned African children and their almost naked bodies. Seeing those children shaped my negative notion of Africa, and I can remember thinking thank goodness…I’m from Nashville!

africa flags
Image from solarpumpsafrica.com

But, then a few years ago I celebrated New Year’s Eve with KB at her church. I walked into the sanctuary. And, I remember being surrounded by the flags from all the African countries displayed around the sanctuary. The congregants are primarily West African families, and attending that service was a life-changing experience.

In one night, my views on Africa and my thoughts on black families changed literally overnight.

Africa is not a Country

Prior to that night, I thought of Africa as one distinct homogeneous place, and not a continent of 55 countries*, thousands of languages, and a number of cultural nuances. Take Togo, for instance. Another friend was on her way to Mozambique, and lost her luggage in Togo. Locals kept telling her not to worry, because the Togolese are known for their honesty and her bag would be returned. Sure enough, a few days later her luggage was returned.

Black Marriages Still Work

Martin and Coretta
Image from blackmarriedtricities.org

Prior to that night, I also wasn’t sure if black marriages worked anymore.  The only black married couples that I knew where my parents, and my best friend’s parents. But, both those couples were close to their sixties, and I was in complete despair.

But, that night after the service my friend invited me to have New Year’s breakfast with her and some friends. And, I found myself surrounded by 4 or 5 young married couples that looked like me. All the couples were in their twenties and shared this bond that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

They were talking about courting traditions, and marrying traditions, and traditions for new babies in the community. And, they all had this common thread. There was no drama, and everyone was just sitting there talking and laughing.

And, I soaked up every minute. Because I had NEVER been in this environment before.
I was surrounded by young and married black families, and I loved every minute of it.

Ghanaian Family Traditions

It took me a while to digest everything, but I’ve been talking to my friend about Ghanaian culture and tradition on and off ever since. And, the more I learn…the more I love Ghanaians. Did you know there are very few single-parent homes in the Ghanaian community?

Yes, it’s true. It almost never happens, because if something happens to the husband. Then the brother or the closest male relative cares for that family as if it were his own.

And, very few children are born out of wedlock. Because, when a man expresses interest in a woman. He expresses interest in joining that family. The process is called the knocking, and it is a ceremonious occasion that involves an entire family. There is no going off alone to neck and play footsie, because the young man expresses his interest in the family first and lets the family know that he is a man of integrity. Then, he is given permission to pursue a relationship with the daughter.

Simone, Me, and KB

Here in D.C.,  I have the gift of coming in contact with many more people and families that recently immigrated to the United States and people that have studied and visited Africa. My friend, Simone, lives in Benin and trains teachers. You can read more about her work here.

I plan to visit Simone and Benin next year, and I can’t wait to see the beauty that is not often publicized in Africa. I’ll share pics when I return.

Breathtaking Kenya and Zambia

Another one of my friends visited Kenya and Zambia. She came back with great stories of going on safari, a gourmet breakfast in the wild, and seeing Blair Underwood and his family. Aren’t her photographs are breathtaking?

Victoria Falls in Zambia


Where Do I Come From?

I’m proud to be an American, but I long to know so much more about my African heritage and where I come from. One of the things that I love about Morris is that his mother’s side of the family can trace back 7 generations to the village that they lived in Nicaragua. What a gift to know where you come from?

I think that’s one of the many missing links for our families today. There is no pride or heritage or traditions in sharing where we come from. Where do we come from?!?

One of my goals in 2014 will include tracing my blood line to a specific country and visiting Africa. I’m not sure if I am Kenyan, Ghanaian or Nigerian, but if I am…I am proud of it.
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*According to Africacheck.org, the number ranges from 54-56 countries depending on whether or not you include Morocco and Somaliland.

5 Steps to Being a Better Sister

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Last week, my sister, Michaela, and I were driving to the store together, and there was a 15-minute period of  dead silence that really bothered me.

Perhaps it shouldn’t have, but it did.

I mean, Michaela, is a junior in college and I thought she would want to tell me about all her boy problems, and professor problems, and life in general. But, she really didn’t tell me anything. And, no matter how many questions I asked…they were all met with one word answers. She wasn’t being mean. We just didn’t have anything to talk about. But, shouldn’t sisters always have something to talk about?

Or maybe I was to blame because I hadn’t really been talking to her either. Except for the “do this, do that, and don’t forget this.”

It also bothered me that my brother, Issachar, has 450 followers on Instagram.  It bothers me, because he is 15 and gentle and kind. And, I want him to stay that way forever.

And, it worries me that some sleazy person on the Internet could change the course of his life. I’ve seen Dateline To Catch a Predator and I know what’s out there! Even though, he lives at home, he has the world at his fingertips in the form of a Samsung Tablet. And, that scares me.

Me and Issachar

 

I worry that Issachar will end up like Miley Cyrus. You know, one day she was a sweet, innocent kid from Tennessee, and the next day she was broadcasting her fanny across the globe.

Although, I worry about Michaela and Issachar…the only thing I really have control over is my relationship with them. As a sister, I just want everything to be right with my siblings. But, I’m beginning to realize that I can not protect them from the world. I can only give suggestions, share my experience, and hope that they avoid life’s hardships.

I’ve spent the last few days soul searching on how to be a better sister to my siblings. And, I asked my siblings to send me one thing I do well as a sister and one thing that bothers them. It came up that I am judgmental/critical/not supportive.

My first thought was ” I am NOT judgemental. I just want people to do what’s right.”

Oh, wait.
Perhaps, I  AM judgemental.  (insert sigh) I’ll work on that.

After a lot of reflection, here are five steps that I think will help us be better sisters.

 

  1. ASKAsk your siblings how you can improve on being a sister.

In business, there is something called a peer review or 360 degree feedback. It gives employees a chance to seek feedback from their peers. It’s a good way, to eliminate blind spots, improve relationships, and establish trust. I think the same can be done for families. Who knows you better than your siblings?!

 

  1. LISTEN Listen, process, and hear what your sibling has to say.
    Resist the temptation to defend yourself.  There is simply nothing worse than someone asking you for feedback and then beating you down once you are honest. Be prepared to hear things that may be hurtful, but will improve your relationship in the long run.

 

  1. HONOR Honor you siblings gifts, talents, and abilities.
    You aren’t the only one with good sense. You were both created in God’s image and you should recognize that. I heard Pastor Kevin Gerald talk about Honor a few years ago, and it changed my life. He says that honor elevates everything, and we can’t go to the next level in our business, relationships, or families until we learn to honor. Pastor Gerald says that we must honor first, with no strings attached, in agreement and disagreement, and freely. From then on, I’ve made a concerted effort to honor people.

The world will be a better place if we honor each other. Let’s start with our families.

 

  1. CHANGE Do everything in your power to change immediately.
    If you are told that you are late. Be early. If you are told that you talk too much. Be quiet. If you are told judgemental, keep your opinion to yourself.

The strength of your relationship depends on your willingness to change.

  1. FOLLOW UP Thank your sibling, and ask them if its okay to follow up.
    Call it a quarterly review, if you will. Promise to check in on your status. Mark it on your calendar, just like a doctor’s appointment and do it. Be sincere in your efforts to change. Siblings can tell if you don’t mean it.

I hope these tips help you along the road to a better relationship with your siblings. Love, Simone

My Parents Don’t Agree with New Jersey

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Last week, same-sex marriage became legal in New Jersey. I haven’t discussed this topic with my parents, but I know they don’t agree with New Jersey.

You see, I learned my parents beliefs by what they did. They took me and my siblings to church. They told us they were praying for our respective spouses, and taught us to be loving toward others. They always taught me to show kindness. And, to never be afraid to share my beliefs.

Me with my Kindergarten Class

In kindergarten, I was afraid to pray at lunch time and give thanks to God for my meals. The kids at school made fun of me. So, I stopped praying, because I was embarrassed. For some reason, my Dad asked me about saying my prayers at dinner one day. And, I started to cry.

I knew my dad would be disappointed in me.

My Dad told me that I should continue praying for my lunch at school and that I should never be afraid of what other people think. He told me that I have to be brave and strong. My dad was always teaching me to be brave and strong.

Dad and Me

At five, he left me at Pizza Hut to order pizza and eat lunch while he went across the street to buy paint.

At six, he sent me into the Sheraton Hotel to retrieve a visitor that was joining my family for dinner. I walked into the hotel lobby, went to the front desk, and asked the concierge for Ms. Rutherford.  My dad waited at the curb in the “no parking” area in front of a hotel.

He was always pushing me beyond what I thought I could achieve. That’s what a good father does…he provides security and a safe place for you to fall and stumble and to grow. A good father teaches you to be brave, and helps you to push your own limits.

But, it was my mother that actually went to school and prayed with me at lunch time. That’s what a good mother does…she teaches you, shows you the way, and she is there to comfort you.

Me as an infant with my mother

And, for some odd reason when my mother joined me for lunch…all the kids joined in and wanted to pray too. I think it is because my mother is tall and glamorous and people love being around her. She prayed with me and all the kids wanted to join in.

That’s why I needed both parents. My dad helped me be brave and strong. And, my mother held my hand and went with me during the tough times.

My parents don’t agree with New Jersey, and neither do I. Families need both parents, a mother and a father.

Seeking Approval

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My brother told me that my last post amounted to a tweet, and that I need to work on expanding my idea. That’s one of the reasons my family is fantastic…we keeps it real. So, here goes…

I guess what I was trying to say in my last post is this: Christians are sometimes portrayed as happy go-lucky people that are immune to the struggles of life. But, that is a false notion.

We have trouble, we have enemies, and we have every-day struggles. And, each time I face some trouble, an enemy, or a struggle I try to ask myself “What is God trying to teach me?” But, it often takes me a while to complete the journey from initial reaction to self-reflection.

Today, I learned that I
really
really 
really want people to like me.

Two weeks ago, I applied to the Leadership Development Program at my job. The Program is a training series for high potential employees that have the potential to lead. And, I really wanted to get in. But, I didn’t tell anyone that I was applying, because I am super competitive.

And, I didn’t want people to ask me whether or not I was accepted.

And, I wanted to make it seem like applying was effortless. ( You know, the way someone compliments you on your hair, or new shoes, or whatever and you want to make it seem effortless so you say “Oh, this old thing. I’ve had this fooooorever).

And, I really wanted that validation that said: “Yes, S.B., you belong here. And, we acknowledge you are an excellent employee, an asset to the organization, and a nice person. We wish all employees were like you. And, we want you to be a future leader.”

But, I was rejected

And, I was crushed.

I spent the afternoon crying in my office, and dreaming of revenge. I know! I would apply for a job at Google. Get hired. And, tender my resignation with pomp and circumstance and let those jokers know that I am going to greener pastures and that I had a new AWESOME job.

But, that didn’t happen.

So, after a two-week road trip to self-reflection I’ve come to the conclusion that what I really wanted was approval from my job. Despite having the approval of my God, my husband, and my family…I still wanted outside validation. And, that is a dangerous place to be.

The approval and unconditional love of my top three (God, husband, and family) should be enough. And, it is. I just have to remind myself of that often.

In response to my most recent learning adventure, I’ve decided to further develop relationships with my husband and family that create an environment of approval and validation. I never want them to feel like they are without love or approval. So, I did some research on the topic. Would you like to know what I learned and give it a shot? Okay, let’s try these 3 tips…..

3 Tips for Demonstrating Approval 


TAKE INTEREST IN THEIR INTEREST.
If your sister is interested in fashion, ask for her opinion on the latest trends. Doing so demonstrates that her opinion is valuable and that you are listening.

HONOR THEM.
If your mother picked up your kids from school, honor her by explaining specifically what the help meant to you  specifically, buy her a nice perfume, OR write a nice thank you letter and mail it.

DROP THE CRITICISM.
Resist the temptation to correct your loved ones at every turn. You have made mistakes, and they will too! Unless it is detrimental to their health and well-being be supportive and only offer advice when asked.

What need for approval have you overcome today?

Gazelle Intensity: Do You Have It?

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Eighteen months ago Morris and I embarked on a journey to become debt free. As a couple, we had acquired $58,000 worth of debt in student/car loans. Someone told us about the perils of debt, and how it enslaves you and prevents you from building wealth. The someone was Dave Ramsey.

Dave says that if  you’ve gone into debt, you need to work as hard to get out of debt as a gazelle works to run from a cheetah. He references Proverbs 6, it says:

My child, if you have put up security for a friend’s debt
    or agreed to guarantee the debt of a stranger—
2 if you have trapped yourself by your agreement
    and are caught by what you said—
3 follow my advice and save yourself,
    for you have placed yourself at your friend’s mercy.
Now swallow your pride;
    go and beg to have your name erased.
4 Don’t put it off; do it now!
    Don’t rest until you do.
5 Save yourself like a gazelle escaping from a hunter,
    like a bird fleeing from a net.

So, we got gazelle intense.

We stuck to a budget. We downgraded our dates to Chipotle, Chick-fil-A, and Subway. We sacrificed trips. We checked out movies at the library, lived in a studio apartment, we made our lunches for work…and this week made our final student loan payment. And, now we are debt-free! Here is a video of Dave explaining Gazelle Intensity.

  

 

How to Dig Your Marital Grave in the Quickest Possible Way

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I opened the refrigerator door last week to discover that two bags of frozen vegetables had been removed from the freezer, opened, and placed in the refrigerator.

The bags of vegetables were identical.

Both bags were clearly labeled:  KEEP FROZEN.

Yet, the vegetables had been left in the refrigerator.

This was a major problem. And, I was furious.

Only one other person lives in our 300 sq ft studio apartment. So, I knew immediately knew who to blame.

Why had our Trader  Joe’s Country Potatoes with Haricots Verts & Wild Mushrooms been carelessly moved to the refrigerator?

Each bag cost $2.99. ( A total of $6.49 with tax).

Didn’t I always say “waste not, want not?”

This was clearly wasting.  And, hungry children across the globe could have feasted for a week on $6.49.

I thought about calling Morris at work to inquire about the reason for leaving frozen vegetables in the refrigerator. But, I decided against it.

Thankfully.

On the way to work, I was saved by the words of Dale Carnegie in How to Win Friends and Influence People.  In Part Six of his book, Carnegie describes the great tragedy of Abraham Lincoln’s life – his marriage. For almost a quarter century, Mrs. Lincoln nagged and harassed the life out of him.

She was always complaining, always criticizing her husband; nothing about him was ever right. He was stoop-shouldered, he walked awkwardly and lifted his feet straight up and down like an Indian. She complained that there was no spring in his step, no grace in his movement; and she mimicked his gait. She didn’t like the way his huge ears stood out at right angles. She even told him that his nose wasn’t straight, and on, and on, and on. Did all this nagging and scolding and raging change Lincoln? In one way, yes. It certainly changed his attitude toward her. It made him regret his unfortunate marriage, and it made him avoid her presence as much as possible. While a circuit attorney, he remained out on the circuit for three months in the spring and three months in autumn. Other attorneys managed to return home for the weekends, but Lincoln dreaded to go home. So, he didn’t. Such are the results that Mrs. Lincoln obtained by nagging.

The aforementioned chapter is entitled, How to Dig Your Marital Grave in the Quickest Possible Way.

And after reading it, I decided that $6.49 and two bags of frozen vegetables were not worth nagging about.

By the way, there was a perfectly reasonable explanation for the vegetables to be in the refrigerator: Morris was thawing them to eat for breakfast the following morning.

The Cinco Plant

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“If you take me out of this watering bucket, I will bite you”

It was a hot sticky August day. 

And, my brother Isaac was watering his plants. 

I guess he had been outside too long, because my nephew Cinco climbed into the watering bucket. 

To me, the look on his face says “If you take me out of this bucket, I will bite you.”