Imagine you and your spouse are whisked away for an all-expense paid 3-day vacation at an exclusive resort. While hanging out on a crisp Saturday morning, your spouse turns to you and says “Look at that hummingbird, have you ever seen one like that before?” You nod (without looking up), say “uh huh” and return to sorting through your Facebook posts.
Your spouse mentioning that hummingbird is an example of an emotional bid for acceptance. An emotional bid is a request for attention, affection, or support and your response to that request generates a critical outcome. Here’s a quick video that explains “emotional bids” .
A similar principle was studied by the University of Massachusetts- Boston regarding mother-child attachment. This study documented positive interactions between a mother and child i.e. tickling, smiling, and cooing versus a mother with a “still face” i.e. no emotion when the child cooed or played.
The still face stressed the baby out. He cried and then avoided looking at his mother. But, when the mother laughed and played, the baby laughed and played too. The study explains that we can create secure environments for the development of our children by acknowledging and engaging them.
Don’t make the still face mistake. Whether we are interacting with our spouses, children, or other loved ones they need us to turn toward them, accept them, and make a meaningful connection.
Question: how do you think responding to our loved one’s emotional bids for support improve our relationships?